2009 squeaks by with a D+

As this year draws to a close, I can say with all certainty that 2009 was one of the worst years of my life, despite a sharp upturn for the better at the very end. I'm sorry, Universe, but you can't just skip out all year then ace the final and expect everything to be forgotten! It didn't work out for me in my eighth grade Civics class, so don't think I'm gonna let you slide, either!

The joys of cat ownership.

This morning I woke up to the sound of water hitting water. I got up, followed the sound and found my cat perched on the edge of the toilet, pee peeing in the potty like a big boy. I didn't even have to train him to do that, and needless to say, I was a proud poppa. That is, until I saw that he took a big ol' dump on my suede jacket i had left on the floor last night. Oh, well... Two steps forward, one step back.

Missed the mark a bit. If only I had better glasses.

I went and got a new pair of glasses today. Thick rimmed black frames, Elvis Costello style. After wearing them for a while, I think they must've thought I said, "I need glasses that make me look like an art professor that sleeps with his students and listens to a lot of Frank Zappa."

Audience Participation Caption Contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. And the Lord replied, "When you saw only one set of crab walk prints in the sand, that is when I carried you."

2. Bob always freaked the fuck out whenever he dropped a contact.

3. Don't look at him, Stacy. You'll only encourage him.

Any excuse to revert back to childhood

Lately, my cat has developed a weird phobia of the floor. He can't stand to be on the floor for more than two seconds before jumping up on the furniture. If I put him down on the floor, he immediately jumps back up into my arms. I know I should be somewhat concerned about this development, but what I really want to do is jump up on the furniture for an old school game of THE FLOOR IS LAVA!

All I want for Christmas is Schadenfreude

The best part about a winter snowstorm is the sight of all of the SUVs stuck in the ditch while I'm driving by with four bald tires in a car made of 90% duct tape.

Tis the reason for the season, after all

Last night as the snow moved in, there was a report on the news that holiday travelers all over the midwest were forced to stay at the airport overnight because local hotels were filled. Hmmm... Weary travelers with no room at the inn. This seems eerily familiar.

Fingers crossed

Looks like my year of WHAT THE HELL?!? isn't over just yet. Last night: Fender bender. I have a sneaking suspicion that on New Year's Eve, some guy will surprise me with a huge check and a camera crew, and inform me that this year has all been part of some freaky reality series. Yeah, the guy who stabbed me will pull off his mask to real it was really Zac Effron, my old boss will ask me to report to work on Monday, and I'll have to tell him I need a week in Hawaii to recharge first.

I'm dreaming of sweet retribution for Christmas

This is the time of year where we should really think of the more fortunate... and how we can bring them down to our level.

You mean insanity is a turn-off?

I learned too late in life that laughing maniacally doesn't fit into that "sense of humor" the ladies are always saying they're looking for.

Audience Participation Caption Contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Ah, Mr. Goofy. You have a nasty habit of surviving.

2. When all legal means have failed, Disney's lawyers call in "The Fixer."

3. They told me there was no film in that camera!

Life, directed by Michael Bay

I think things are finally looking up for me... Much in the same way we all look up when it's raining flaming debris.

Violators will suffer my wrath.

I'm making a ruling right now. Before 9 a.m. on any weekend, I am not to be disturbed. That time is reserved for me saving the redhead from Mad Men from evil wizards with nunchucks.

Last Twilight joke of 2009, I swear

I see they have Twilight action figures, which is the only time those characters will have any dimension.

They should be more specific

They keep saying that we need creative solutions to fix the economy... Yet I set up one bum fight and suddenly I'm a social pariah.

Computer geek joke alert!

A while ago, I was watching a NASCAR race, and I was laughing at the car sponsored by Microsoft. Well, not the car per se, but the idea that Windows may have become so troublesome that the driver and his pit crew are actually wearing software patches.

She makes me want to renounce Carbon

I've come to a realization about Ann Coulter: Forget political ideology, forget my theory that she is the spawn of Skeletor and Secretariat, forget my bitter jealousy over the size of her Adam's apple... Whenever she speaks, no matter the subject matter, she manages to offend me on a molecular level.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's Section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Later that night, when the duck was inside the fortress walls, the most adorable invasion ever began.

2. It was their last hope to defeat the 50 foot Ernie before all of Sesame Street was lost.

3. This is what happens when you put Marshmallow Peeps in the microwave.

God Bless America, foo!

I think we should make the theme from The A-Team the new national anthem. People would be much more willing to do more for their country if they had kick-ass background music like that.

Now to find a way to put this on my resumé

Being unemployed has more than prepared me for working in advertising, because now I can put a positive spin on everything in my life. I don't tell people that I'm too broke to buy new razors, I just say I'm growing a beard. That mess in my kitchen? That's my penicillin research. Sure, these are the same clothes I wore yesterday, but I'm saving water, and that's good for the environment!

It's about time that naughty list got some finer print.

There's no greater proof of our society being a bunch of spoiled rotten pricks than all of the Christmas commercials on TV. Almost every retailer has at least one ad depicting Santa asking a clerk for help finding the best price on high-end products. Forgiving the fact that every clerk in these ads is completely buying into the idea that a mythical being is at their store, but they never question why a man who possesses the power to visit every house in the world in ONE NIGHT needs to find the best price on a 60" HDTV.

They do the same thing when I get in a fight...weird.

Winter: that time of year that I really regret my wardrobe consisting mainly of loose, breathable cotton. I take one step outside, and my balls go, "I don't know about you, but I'm going back inside!" Then, they retract like a scared turtle.

Kinda like a member of the glee club drinking Mad Dog

I was at the mall the other day, and I couldn't stop laughing at the sight of this one Emo kid eating a Happy Meal. Da-da-da-da-daaaaa... I'm loving the irony!

Read the sign, dipshit!

I think it's funny when people come to the comedy club, walk in and ask "So, having a comedy show tonight?" No, we're doing tragedy tonight. We're having a slide show on the Holocaust, a fund raiser for abused animals, and a poetry recital: Haikus from the Homeless.

All out of Boone's Farm.
The pigeons talk about me.
One day they'll all pay.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.Here are mine for the week:

1. Hell, it ain't any dumber looking than a Bluetooth.

2. "Doc says I have to wear this so I don't chew on my stitches."

3. Every time I go to the movies, some jackass like this always sits in front of me.

At least that pothole I hit tried its best

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Timeless proverb, or the motto of the Oklahoma Department of Transportation? You be the judge.

The heels aren't helping, either

The biggest problem for an artist in this economy is we're all reaching that point where we must go against our creative ideals and wind up whoring ourselves out to whomever will pay us. Plus, December is one miserable month to be standing on that street corner.

I'm lying back down. Its just safer that way.

I've been limping around the past couple of days after hurting my heel on the coffee table. Leave it to me to injure myself getting off the damn couch.

Other qualifications: Breakout and Pole Position

I recently applied for a job running a teleprompter. Essentially, the job requires carefully and precisely turning a knob. They asked me what makes me qualified, and I gave a one word answer: Pong.

Stupid people and technology... bad mix

Why is it every time I have to wait in line somewhere for something simple like swapping out a DVR remote, I always get stuck in line behind someone who has lived in a cave for the past twenty years, and their first act in joining society is getting a digital cable package? This lady ahead of me actually said to the customer service rep, "I get all of these channels? I'm not gonna be able to watch all of these!" Like it's mandatory!

When they told her someone will need to be at her house between 10 and 2 tomorrow, she asked, "Someone besides me?"

She also signed up for the internet package, which I suspect will lead to the discovery that her laptop is, in fact, an Etch-a-sketch.

When you get to the bottom you go back to the top...

It seems that there are way too many people nowadays doing outrageous and sometimes felonious things for no other reason than to get famous. The Octomom, Balloon Boy's parents, the White House party crashers, etc. Look, I understand the need for attention. I am a stand-up comic, after all. But in seeing some of the news stories over the past year, it makes me pine for the good ol' days of Charles Manson. Now, that was a guy who could sell crazy!

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below:Here are mine for the week:

1. Did you drop a contact, or is this a glitch in the Matrix?

2. I have a sneaking suspicion that the tuna rolls were not dolphin safe.

3. This restaurant kinda gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "You got served!"

Oh, so many reasons

Perhaps I'm jinxing myself for Christmas, but at least I made it through Thanksgiving without a single family member asking me why I'm not married yet. I guess they all have accepted the idea that at my age if a man is still single, there's probably a good reason why.

Another joke I'll have to answer for someday

I was asked to lead everyone in saying grace before Thanksgiving dinner, because if anyone is qualified, it's someone who hasn't voluntarily entered a church in twenty years:

"OK, I guess we should all join hands... Or not. Alright, let's do this. Um, Lord, God, Yahweh, whatever you're going by these days, we just want to thank you for this bountiful feast before us today. However, most of this food is heavily processed which probably isn't your thing, but I suppose we can thank you for granting Reasor's Foods the wisdom to accept coupons.

Thank you for bringing all of us together on this day. And please forgive us for the judgmental behavior we are all sure to bear witness to. We know that technically, You are the only one allowed to pass judgment. We're just building up a defense strategy down here... Let's face it, it's not like you've got lawyers up there.

Based on the way Grandma is looking at me right now, I personally want to thank you for designing lightning in just such a way that prohibits it from striking through the roof of this two-story house. And please let the turkey put us all in enough of a catatonic state that my little speech here will be quickly forgotten. Rub a dub dub, ectos domine, habeas corpus, deux ex machina. Amen."

Explain that, Darwin!

Every year at Thanksgiving, animal rights organizations start their push for people to stop killing turkeys. Look, I love animals as much as anyone, but the fact remains that turkeys that are one of the only animals so stupid that they can drown in a rainstorm. Turkey farmers don't even chop their heads off any more. They just turn on the sprinklers. Hell, I'm surprised Creationists don't use them as an argument against Natural Selection.

OK, I'll have some dessert, but then I gotta do lift some weights.

This year, my family used a Cajun Injector on the turkey. For a split second, I thought they had invited up a porn star from New Orleans. But it's this giant syringe used to inject the marinade directly into the meat. Again, I didn't know this. All I knew was when I walked into the kitchen, it looked like my stepdad was giving the turkey steroids. "You know that only works when the turkey is still alive, right? That'll have more effect on us than it will the bird." Although that would be funny. Everyone at dinner and suddenly all their voices drop an octave. Everyone starts arm wrestling over who gets the last crescent roll. My sweet little grandmother turns to me and demands to know how much I can bench press.

More food jokes for Thanksgiving!

I was at a pot luck Thanksgiving dinner a couple years ago and someone brought this casserole that was made with elbow macaroni, shredded potatoes and rice, all baked on a bed of bread crumbs. That, my friends, was the complex carbohydrate hat trick! All that was missing was a layer of powdered sugar on top! Ordinarily, one cannot make a dish containing that much starch without it first becoming a low-grade explosive.

Enjoy the salmonella!

One of the most searched recipes on the web around Thanksgiving is for mashed potatoes. Look, if the person making your Thanksgiving dinner is too stupid to make mashed potatoes, why are you trusting them with turkey?

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Hecklers section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Some say the secret ingredient is love... and Angel Dust.

2. Sure, it's a bit crazy, but they're just psyching themselves up to shop at Best Buy at 4 a.m.

3. Yet another reason to regret my mother getting a Facebook account, a scanner and a need to remember the "good ol' days."

We could call it the Kenmore lobe

A recent estimate states that over 1,000 house fires and over 10,000 severe bodily burns every year are caused by incorrectly deep-frying a turkey. If evolution worked the way it should, within a generation or two, the human brain would be hard wired to instinctively use the damn oven!

A shitty night, in more than one way

I had a horrible experience with an irate heckler at the club last night. Even after he had left the club, he proceeded to repeatedly call the box office to complain about me, getting angrier and more threatening with each call. This was the first time I have left a comedy club fearing death. When I got home, I thought some TV would help me take my mind off things, but the first thing that came up when I turned on the TV was AMC showing Cape Fear. I turned it on just in time to hear Deniro screaming "COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE!!!"

So, I shit my pants and went to bed.

Dark turn in three, two, one...

At the beginning of the year, my mantra was "Failure is NOT and option!"

By April, my new mantra was, "OK, occasional failure is forgivable."

When August rolled around, that all changed to "At least you're trying."

As I roll into December, the new mantra is apparently, "The number for suicide prevention is on the fridge."

And they sting a lot.

Ive learned so much working the door at the comedy club. The key to dealing with customers is to simply be nice. I didn't need to be told that for the job. I learned that in the late eighties from a little film called Road House. Doesn't make it any less true, though. Not that you get the same kindness in return every time. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. But you know what else you catch with honey? Bees. Deadly, deadly, pissed off bees.

Yes, a poop joke.

Tonight, I thought I'd treat myself to a hot fudge sundae. What I had was a dessert so rich it may have retroactively given me lactose intolerance. Which brings me to my next point: Whomever designed the motion sensor toilet flushing system have overlooked a minor detail... The courtesy flush.

I'm not denying the fact that pineapples make bad housing.

I believe that instead of ranking board games by age, they should really do it by IQ. Particularly if it's a trivia game. Seriously, there's nothing more frustrating than getting in a heated argument over who lives in a pineapple under the sea.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. I'm making a ruling right now: Heath Ledger impersonations have officially jumped the shark.

2. Officer, anything you might be tempted to do is perfectly justifiable. Besides, who's gonna convince a mime to testify?

3. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, honk, squirt out of a flower, shape out of a balloon, etc. will be held against you...

I'd hate to see the trail... ANY trail.

I reached a special level of broke and lazy when I decided to pour the last remnants of bags of pretzels, potato chips, Doritos and animal crackers (with frosting) into a bowl and when a friend asked me what I was eating, I simply said, "trail mix."

There's always a bigger pain

I think I've figured out how I've managed to cope with all of the weird shit that has happened to me this year. You see, if you have a lot of stressful situations happen to you all at once, it can be overwhelming, and if they happen well spaced apart, you can get burned out. However, if it happens in quick succession like it happened to me, then each new crisis will distract you from the ones before it. Let me put it another way:

Have you ever gotten an itch in the middle of your back right where you can't reach it? Drives you nuts, doesn't it? Well, imagine you now notice that you are developing a hangnail. Your back still itches, but the hangnail is now taking priority. It hurts like hell the more you play with it, and it distracts you to the point that some sort of accident happens and BOOM! You break your arm! The pain is excruciating! But it's small potatoes compared to you suddenly getting your foot caught in a bear trap! And you now look down at your mangled leg, thinking, "I really need to do something about this... but for some reason my hair is now on fire!"

And so on, and so forth.

Need a mint?

Today I saw the worst advertisement possible for a restaurant: A woman outside in the bushes puking. I asked her if she was alright, but what I really wanted to ask was what menu item to avoid.

Who am I kidding? He can't get arrested these days.

When Steve Miller gets arrested, do you think his list of aliases include Space Cowboy, Gangster of Love, Maurice, The Joker, The Smoker and the Midnight Toker?

Not likely to pass

Today is Veteran's Day, and in honor of this day, I would like to propose legislation that would require all members of Congress, during any public appearance honoring the troops, to wear a sign listing their voting record on veteran's issues. What the hell... Let's make it interesting: send their security details home for the day as well.

Further adventures of owning a passive aggressive cat

When reaching for some change to do my laundry, I made the horrific discovery that my cat had pissed in my change dish. I guess it was just Chuckles' little way of telling me that I care more about money than I do about him.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the helcker's section below.


Here are mine for the week:

1. Every girl I've dated has described their ex-boyfriend to be just like this.

2. Wallace Shawn's Playgirl spread was the worst selling issue ever!

3. Look, just tell us where the truffles are and we'll let you go!

I't gotta be like drawing the aliens from the movie Cocoon

Tonight, I modeled for a life drawing class. Given my lily white skin and lack of muscular definition, I can't imagine there were a lot of students working on their shading skills.

Perhaps if she would've flashed some nipple

I read a news article about a university student in Brazil being expelled for wearing a short dress. Brazil claiming something being immoral? Seriously? If she plans a lawsuit, might I suggest her lawyers cite the landmark case of Carnivale v. NOBODY!

If you want your Big Mac to be clean, then be nice.

I think the FDA should loosen the rules for human tampering in fast food. Those that can't place their drive-thru order in twenty words or less should not be surprised if their food tastes like maliciously dispensed bodily fluids. The more words they use, the further south the origin of the contaminants.

It's the Discover Card of higher education

I applied at a community college today. Let me get this straight... Community college has an approval process?!? What, are they just checking that I'm human?

I hear the Blair Witch Project looks amazing

While browsing the DVD's at Best Buy yesterday, I couldn't help but chuckle when I saw a Blu-ray copy of Cloverfield. Because if there's any movie you want high definition picture quality, it's one that was filmed with hand-held camcorders.

Tough call

Taco Bueno has just introduced the Cheeseburger Taco, and I don't know whether to weep or hit the drive-thru.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Jose Cuervo paid big money for the distribution of this photo.

2. Why do I think of England when I look at this?

3. This is what every conservative Christian imagines when someone mentions gay marriage.

Wookin' pa nub in aw the wong paces

In talking with a friend about me not having a girlfriend, one thing that I came to realize is that I really haven't narrowed down exactly what I'm looking for in a woman. Upon much thought on the matter, I've come down to three requirements:

1. She must have confidence in herself, and not feel like she has to talk shit about others to do so.

2. She doesn't have to like the same things as me, but she must at least understand why I like them. A good example of a deal breaker for me is to have to again answer the question, "What's so great about Star Wars?"

3. She must not possess the kind of personality that gives my best friends lockjaw. You know, like when I ask them what they think of her, they don't say "She seems nice!" through clinched teeth.

Life imitates art, again.

I was at a friend's Halloween party tonight, and suffered a head injury. They had installed a bar over their gate for some reason, and more confusingly, they only set it at six feet. Being 6' 2", and the fact that it was pitch black outside, naturally I ran right into it. Earlier this year I make a joke about getting stabbed and then I get stabbed. Now, I literally walked into a bar. This business of writing jokes is getting dangerous.

Maybe I should see someone about this.

Everyone goes through phases of great personal reflection. Perhaps my latest phase is gone on long enough, because I keep smelling burnt almonds and tasting copper.

With a million bucks, I can afford a new heart.

I think the reason I've felt like crap so much lately is because I'm eating way too much McDonald's. Ordinarily I hate the stuff, but I keep going back because of the Monopoly game. Hey, if there's a chance at a million dollars, I'll take the dietary bullet.

In light of H1N1, he should be exiled

I've seen a lot of people doing the gauges in their ear lobes, stretching them out beyond belief. But today, I saw a guy who was doing that to the sides of his nose. And these weren't the plug kind, they were the kind with holes, giving everyone a nice view of his sinus cavity. He was creating a brand new set of nostrils. I don't want to be around this guy when he has a head cold. When he sneezes, it's gotta look like the fountains at the Bellagio.

The main reason I drink at home

When a swarm of hornets attack, the first one to sting emits a pheromone that attracts the other hornets to just where to attack. Human males have a similar technique, but it involves shots of Jaegermeister after 1:00 a.m.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. "I told you not to touch my daughter!"

2. Yogi learned the hard way not to steal pic-a-nic baskets from Russian mobsters.

3. Yeah, sure, Bob was tough enough to make a bear want to piss itself, but just wait until the next time his wife asks him to buy tampons. Homeboy buckles like a belt.

Tomorrow, I'll try Christian Broadcasting and Spice.

I spent a some time today flipping back and forth between Spike TV and Lifetime. If you do it fast enough, your body will actually go into hot flashes.

Its not graduation, it's parole

Seeing as my current job prospects are bleak, I thinking about enrolling back in college. My only real trepidation is having that conversation with other classmates around my age. It's a lot like making friends on the prison yard. "So, what did you do wrong?"

Next time, I'll just buy a taco from a bum

I knew I was gonna regret my breakfast purchase before I even took the first bite. A breakfast burrito with Chorizo from QuikTrip. Because if there's anyone who knows good Mexican sausage, it's a convenience store.

Milton Bradley has sold out, man!

Now with the Monopoly game at McDonald's and Scrabble at Subway, I'd like to see other board games get the fast food treatment. Perhaps...

Battleship at Long John Silver's - It's sink or swim!

Risk at The International House of Pancakes - Expect long lines because it'll take four hours to play.

Candy Land at Cinnabon - Compete to win free insulin for life!

Mouse Trap at Taco Mayo - Get a free "game piece" with each meal... Come to think of it, I've been playing that game for years there.

Literarily frustrated

I've been getting really into this new show FlashForward, but I was getting impatient about the way the story was unfolding... So I bought the book it was based on in hopes of getting some spoilers. I read it from cover to cover and loved it, even though the TV show is apparently very loosely based on the description on the book jacket. Never before have I read a book, been completely satisfied in the narrative, and then immediately thrown it across the room because it didn't meet up to the reason I bought it in the first place.

That blinking light on their oven is concerning me. If only I had their number.

I often look out the front windows of my meager apartment to the high-rise modern condos across the way. I'm not bitter towards the upper class. I'm sure many of them have earned their wealth. But I do hope they appreciate what they have. The fancy condo, high end electronics, beautiful wife, the Breville Espresso Machine from Williams Sonoma with milk frother and may or may not have the burr grinder attachment I can't tell because my telescope is not powerful enough... The point is I hope they're thankful.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the hecklers section below.



Here are mine for the week:

1. George W. Bush's America, ladies and gentlemen.

2. Centuries later, William Wallace is still pissing off British officials.

3. That was a chump call, ref, and you know it! Sticking, my ass!

Then I sent out five text messages that said, "You lucky son of a bitch."

Last night, I got to the bar late, but just in time to see all of my buddies leave with all of their respective hook-ups. I don't know why that brought back memories of being picked last in kickball. I guess I was tired and got my metaphors mixed up.

Insane but practical

Last night, I encountered a crazy woman wearing a red zip-up fleece jacket, beige pants and a pink dress on top of it all. Well, in her defense, it was chilly and she did at least dress in layers.

I'm frequently lost

Any advice I get on dating is kinda like Mapquest. I always get betrayed by the instructions, and more often than not, I've found myself calling a buddy for help while standing in an open field next to an angry cow.

Figures... The one thing I'm a savant with, and it's Madden '09

I've always been good at sports video games. It's not really a matter of skill, but mostly luck. I'm like the Forrest Gump of sports games: Something incredible always happens, but I don't have a clue how it happened. One time a friend got a new football game and I bet him $20 that I could beat him by pressing buttons at random. I beat him 56-3, and he only got the field goal because I stopped to take a drink of Dr. Pepper.

But it's so hard to find a kingpin with a dental plan.

It's sad that I've reached tht point in my ongoing job search where my best option is drug mule. Hey, huge paycheck, meet interesting people, travel...

They could coincide it with the inevitable death of the Trix Rabbit.

Why, after all these years, have they not added little marshmallow rabbit's feet to Lucky Charms cereal? Sure, it sounds kinda gross, but it's not like the product has that much integrity to begin with.

He's a poseur who doesn't play by the rules...

I've noticed that Hollywood has a rich tradition of making cop movies based on specific social subcultures. Gearheads had The Fast and the Furious, Pimps have Dolemite, etc. The one I'm waiting for is the pretentious hipster cop movie. "You're under arrest!" "For what?" "It's an obscure crime.. you've probably never heard of it."

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the hecklers section below.



Here are mine for the week:

1. They all knew it was a mistake casting Mel Brooks as Flava Flav, but the director was willing to take a gamble.

2. Good to know that I'm not the only one visited by the Golden Imp at one o'clock in the morning.

3. Whatever magical kingdom this is, I feel the U.N. should bomb the fuck out of it on general principle.

I hate Starbucks as much as the next guy, but DAMN!

In the last election, Oklahoma was the only state to have every county go for the Republicans. To help put that in perspective, this means that Utah is officially more progressive than us, and they have people there that believe coffee is a hell-worthy trespass.

Anything important you have to tell me must be done through interpretive dance

The best part about having Attention Deficit Disorder is that it takes so much of the pressure off. "You didn't listen to a single word I just said, did you?" Nope! Hey, it's not my fault you're not more interesting... or shiny.

Wouldn't want to be near Ann Coulter right now.

Big news today: President Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. And in a related Story, Glenn Beck is savagely pummeling a side of beef in preparation for his show tonight.

But wait, there's more!

It's so creepy how they're still releasing new Billy Mays commercials after his death. It's like he's the Tupac of tacky crap.

Love thy neighbor? Fuuuuuuck that!

There's a group out there that is revising the Bible to edit or flat-out remove passages they feel are too "Liberal". I don't have much of a joke there... I'm too busy shitting my pants upon the realization that there are Conservatives who are so far to the right that they think God is a pinko Commie.

I once cheated on my taxes and spent the money on roman candles

I'm the world's worst liar, so much so that I get really excited when someone actually believes my lies. My strongest tell: if you see me do a cartwheel, then the last thing I said was utter bullshit.

Audience participation caption contest

Add your captions in the Hecklers section below.


Here are mine for the week:

1. Dear Diary: JACKPOT!

2. Hey! My eyes are up here! No, higher... higher still...

3. This is the easiest way to tell when a sculptor hasn't had a date in a while.

Strangely enough, her next roll landed her in jail.

There are certain things you never want to do when you're in a relationship, like play Monopoly.
The closest I've ever come to being the victim of domestic violence stemmed from the $500 for landing on Free Parking rule.

I called it the Irony-mobile

I have Attention Deficit Disorder, and I drove a Ford Focus.

A full day for me.

It's a bright, sunny day. Peaceful, quiet. I think I'll go to the park and throw squirrels at joggers. Then, I'll scream at that statue near City Hall. After that, a latte.

If Obama's bike gets stolen, we have our first suspect

Am I alone in thinking that Rush Limbaugh looks a lot like Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure? Every time I hear him talk all I can think of "I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I?" But he never says it, at least not in so few words.

If there's one thing I'll give money for, it's a solid work ethic

Today, I encountered the world's worst panhandler. He approached me as I was going INTO QuikTrip (Instead of OUT when I might have change), he was drinking a beer and in the middle of asking me for change, his cell phone went off.

Not to mention finding an actress with measurements of 36-12-38

I just read that they're making a live-action Barbie movie. The challenge I see is casting a crotchless actor to play Ken. I mean, that guy from Twilight is pretty booked up these days.

*On a side note, I know it's pretty unfair for me to mock Twilight so often when I've never seen and never plan on seeing the movie or read the books. To me, it'd be like taking a cordless drill to my kneecap: I know it's gonna be nothing but pain and I'll never be able to let go of that memory.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the heckler's section below.


Here are my three for the week:

1. Or, as Amy Winehouse calls it: Tuesday.

2. While Coca-Cola sells more, Pepsi definitely had better advertising.

3. eHarmony can't hold a candle to Craigslist.

Fritschie don't take no disrespect, fool!

I used to think it would be cool to have enough money that I have my enemies killed. As I've gotten older and wiser, I think the best I could hope for is to occasionally hire someone to dress up as Dolemite and pimp-slap them.

You get bonus points for sucking

I find the most realistic version of Guitar Hero is Metallica, because just like the real band, you're just going through the motions.

Now the game just freezes up

I've been playing The Beatles Rock Band almost non-stop lately. But after I unlocked the Yoko Ono character, it just isn't the same. I can only play online because my bandmates can't stand to be together in the same room. Christ, I should just go solo.

There will be gyro wrappers all over the place by sunrise

There's a Greek festival starting today, just down the street from my apartment. That means there'll be a lack of decent parking in my neighborhood through the weekend, but on the upside, the air smells like grilled lamb.

It's like a percentage of meth sales going to sleep research

I find it hilarious that proceeds from the lottery go to support education. Millions of people's hopes and dreams are crushed twice a week, but their kids get the knowledge they need to get good jobs so they won't have to play the Powerball.

Don't try this at home, unless you're a complete idiot

To those who believe that Mankind has no effect on the environment, may I suggest that you sit in your garage with the car running for about an hour. Then, if you can, multiply that by the number of cars on the road today and keep in mind that from a astronomical standpoint, the Earth is an enclosed space as well.

Audience participation caption contest

Add your captions in the heckler's section below.


Here are my three for the week:

1. We came here to do two things: Drink beer and creep people the fuck out. And we're all out of beer.

2. "What the hell are you staring at?!?"

3. Images like this make me scream my safe word at the top of my lungs. In case you're wondering, it's "jalapeño".

Surprised the Air Marshal wasn't doing shots with me

Today is the eighth anniversary of the last time I was on an airplane. Yep, nine days after 9/11. All the magazines in the newsstand had that shot of the plane hitting the second tower. Everyone around me was scared shitless, and it was the night they had that big telethon. The worst part was the two guys seated behind me on the flight who wouldn't shut up about how easy it was for the hijackers to take over the planes. If it wasn't for alcohol service on the flight, I would've had a Shatner on the Twilight Zone level freakout.

He's not an asshole, he just needs his wooby

I have a theory that any the amount of machismo a man displays in public is directly proportional to the soft side he keeps hidden. Whenever I see some guy at the bar get all mouthy and try and start a fight over absolutely nothing, I can't help but think of that one room in his house that's full of stuffed animals and pictures of kittens and five locks on the door.

Sorry, pun alert

I know I had a really great dream last night, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. All I can do is curse the irony of having a memory foam pillow.

The purring means synergy

The key to working from home is multi-tasking your personal and business chores. For instance, I use the cat to erase my dry marker board. He gets petted, and the slate is clean for the next task.

Later, he framed the receipt

A buddy of mine in college was having his girlfriend come to visit him, so he went to Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies. Condoms, baby oil, whipped cream, candles, roses, etc. The clerks face got redder and redder with each scan. The best part was when the total came up $69.69. How perfect was that? He held up the line for five minutes writing a check.

100% pure adrenaline, Johnny!

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze. In his memory, I'll be refusing to let anyone put Baby in the corner. And if they do, I'll rip their throat out while skydiving. WOLVERINES!

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the heckles section below.Here are my three for the week:

1. Jeff Foxworthy's The Godfather Part II. "I knew it was you, Bill Engvall. You broke my heart."

2. Ball's in your court, FEMA.

3. I'm not calling the Coast Guard again. They'll only laugh at me.

Short of that, Everyone gets free neon green framed sunglasses

I believe that within a year, Kanye West will start calling every person in America one by one in one last desperate bid for attention.

No ceremonial run around the bases for me

I've reached that point in my single life where I've become the fake date of choice at my friends' weddings. I get all of my female friends on my arm for the night, but unfortunately there's no fake making out, fake heavy petting... Nothing.

Rememberance Day is already taken

Each year, people talk about making September 11th a national holiday. The trouble I have with that is, what would you call it? It seems weird to me to have a holiday be named after the date.

I may be up until 10 tonight!

As my friends and I get older, bachelor parties are getting more and more tame. In my twenties, a bachelor party meant I needed to stock up on condoms. Now that I'm in my thirties, I spend that money on aspirin. If I graph this progression, by the time I reach my forties I'll probably be budgeting that cash towards antacids.

They had to remove him from the hall with a forklift

Representative Joe Wilson (R-SC) heckled the President tonight. He has since apologized, blaming it on back pain caused by the weight and strain of his massive balls.

Audience participation caption contest*

In honor of this, my 250th post, I'm adding a new feature to the site: a caption contest! I'll put three (and only three) captions to start with, and it's up to you, the audience to join in the fun! New picture every Monday! Post your captions in the heckling section.

*not an actual contest, because I can't afford prizes... Nor do I possess the will to narrow it down to a winner. Just go with it, OK?

Here's this week's picture:


Here are my captions for the week:

1) And another make-up artist gets his union card.

2) Funny, I always figured C-3PO was the bottom in that relationship.

3) I find myself looking over my own affinity for Star Wars and feeling a lot more macho by contrast.

It's like Mother's Day for orphans

Ahh... Labor Day. The day of ironic insight for the unemployed.

When pallbearers become bouncers

There's this book called The Power of Positive Thinking, which states that there's no situation so bad that you can't put a positive spin on it, and that if you go through life thinking happy thoughts all the time that your life will be great. I think I speak for many of us in the real world when I say that's horse shit. Don't believe me, try that at a funeral sometime. Go up to the grieving widow and say, "Hey, look on the bright side..." After you get your head repeatedly slammed in a casket lid, come find me and tell me I was right.

Still haven't found that sign on my car that reads "Throw stuff at me!"

While running an errand in South Tulsa, not very far from where I got attacked a couple months ago, I had another run-in with teenage delinquents. This time, a bunch of kids in a black hummer threw eggs at my car. Last time they threw drinks. I'm just a couple of visits out south from a complete breakfast.

Take my life... please!

My best friend came to visit me this week and he got to catch my act at the comedy club. Afterwards, he brought up all of these stories from our youth that I might mine for comic material... Most of it shit I thought I'd blocked out for good. It's not very often that one has a brainstorming session end in heaving sobs and fists pounding on the wall while screaming "WHY WHY WHY?!?!?"

The irony is, I now get carded for cigarettes.

I shaved my goatee today. I just felt it was time for a reboot. It feels so good to do something on my terms, because usually when I'm clean shaven it means I singed off half my mustache lighting a cigarette.

You call THAT a flathead?!?

After a couple months and no new news in the investigation, I've lost hope that the cops will ever find the kid who stabbed me with a screwdriver. I guess I need to have faith that one day karma will take care of that kid. One day, he'll find himself in a fight with someone just like him. Just as impulsive, just as unwilling to fight fair... only that guy will have a gun. Or better yet, a bigger screwdriver!

Is that my lawn mower on eBay?

When I visited Graceland years ago, the first thing I noticed was that it was surrounded by middle-class housing developments. Wouldn't it have sucked to be Elvis' neighbor? Because to me, Elvis always seemed like the kind of guy who'd borrow something and never give it back. And one of his neighbors must've been pissed to later see his weed whacker on display years later.

Or, as I like to call it: Poo-wer

San Antonio, Texas is now the first city in the nation to be generating its power from human waste. How appropriate, because they're famous for their Tex-Mex. If you factor in tourism, they'll have power to spare.

Conveniently located

I finally found my happy place. It was located between the pit of oblivion and the Outback Steakhouse.

On bad days, I change the font to something more festive.

Whenever I need a pick-me up, I take the list of my fears I have typed out on my computer and reformat it from double space to single. It's kinda uplifting to have it take up three pages instead of six.

It's only proper to make the distinction

I wish there was some way to tell my ex that I don't think of her as an enemy. She's merely a reminder of every mistake I've made in my entire adult life, but no, she's not my enemy.

Just be glad everyone got on with it

Imagine how much more boring our lives would be if the phrase "long story short..." had not come into being.

I survived Y2K, this should be a piece of cake.

There are rumors that the world will end in 2012 due to the fact that the Mayan calendar will end. Is that all it takes to spawn a doomsday theory nowadays? Am I supposed to crap my pants because an ancient civilization failed to renew their Franklin Planner?

Thanks a lot, METH!

Thanks to meth, in order to get the really good cold medicine, you must provide three forms of ID, a note from your mother and an act of Congress. I found myself resorting to threats today. "Just give me the Sudafed Cold or I'll cough on you!"

Masochism knows no price limit, I guess...

Recently, I visited the Clinton Presidential Library. While I was there, I struck up a conversation with a guy who was there alone, and after a while, he started talking about how much he hated Bill Clinton. I never got a clear answer as to why he would spend money to do something he knew he was gonna hate. You don't see a lot of skinheads in line to see Chris Rock. You never see Pat Robertson at an Indigo Girls concert. I mean, I at least had the good sense to sneak in to see Transformers.

My wish list requires footnotes

I have a friend who's really into The Secret. She's always telling me to visualize all of the things I want out of life and focus on them really hard. I'm too practical for such a mindset, because everything I want comes with a catch. It's like living my life with a big asterisk next to my head.

Dissidents rarely know how to properly use the clone tool

These "Hitler Obama" posters I see at all of the town hall protests are offensive enough, but even more so to me as a graphic designer, because it such a piss-poor Photoshop job. If you're gonna make your point visually, at least do it right.

We will attack them under the Arch

Having grown up in Arkansas and living in Oklahoma, I feel like a man without a country. People in both states who find out about my connection to the other and they talk reeeeaaaalllyyy sssslllloooowwwww. And if I ever encounter someone from Kansas, all bets are off!

I say, people from Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansas should band together as brothers... And invade Missouri. It'd be beneficial across the board! Missouri needs some fresh chlorine in the gene pool, People from Arkansas and Oklahoma can have cold six point beer, and people from Kansas will be excited to have hills.

Set a wake-up call for Colorado

Driving across Kansas has to be one of the most boring experiences ever. Not only is it the flattest surface in the earth, but the major highways rarely curve. Theoretically, you could set the cruise control, put The Club on your steering wheel and take a nap.

I also work wonders with Ramen

You know you've reached a special level of broke when you know more than five different ways to dress up Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

And Pizza Hut is seeing a surge in sales

According to news reports, one of the latest wildfires in California was sparked by an illegal marijuana growing operation. Evacuations are proving difficult because apparently, the residents living downwind aren't in that much of a rush to get out of there.

Happy birthday to you... too.

Today is my birthday! It's also my older brother's. Four years apart. A lot of people I tell about this for the first time like to ask me what that's like, and I tell them it's like having a twin, but with a slight generation gap... And not much in common but the fact that our parents liked to have sex in the middle of November.

Unless, of course, I'm at the Olive Garden

I took four years of Spanish in high school, and all that amounted to was an ability to order Huevos Rancheros without sounding like an idiot.

I just feel uncomfortable when she/he says, "Here's your change."

There's a clerk at this one shop I regularly go to that I'm pretty certain is a female-to-male transsexual that just had the reassignment surgery. I can't be certain of this, because there's no gentle way of saying, "Hey, didn't you have boobs three months ago?"

No need to call a doctor, get me that patchouli scented dreadlocked white guy behind the deli counter

I read an article about the CEO of Whole Foods writing an editorial blasting President Obama's health care plan, essentially saying that if people just bought food at his stores, they wouldn't need any health care. Wouldn't it be scary if he was right? Say you get hit by a car, and the one thing that'll stop the internal bleeding is pesticide free tofu.

This post will be no exception, I'm sure

Blogging has been a wonderful part of my life. It's halped me sort out my thought and feelings, put them in some sort of order, and most importantly demonstrate how much of a whiny little bitch I was to my future self.

Yes, I equated my life to a Will Smith movie. Shut up.

Just thinking of the series of bizarre events that have happened to me this year, I find myself soldiering along for no other reason than to find out how it all ends, even though I'm not really liking what has happened so far. I hope it's worth it, because I'd hate to spend eternity in the afterlife with the same feeling I had after watching Men In Black II.

He buys a new mattress every couple of months

A friend of mine regaled me with the story of his latest sexual conquest today. New girl every night for this guy. At this point I'm surprised his crabs haven't died of VD.

Take that H.G. Wells!

One thing that always bugs me about time travel stories is that they never address the fact that it always involves warping space as well. Every time traveler seems to arrive in the same location as they were when they engaged the time machine, completely ignoring the fact that the Earth, the galaxy, and the entire universe has shifted. They could suffocate in the vacuum of space, get hit with a comet or materialize in the center of a star, and all they're worried about are preventing assassinations, not stepping on butterflies or their parents never meeting! Crazy scientists can be so self-centered.

Surely explains Glen Beck's career!

I watched a TV report on Vitamin D deficiency, saying we all need to spend more time out in the sun because the lack of Vitamin D can lead to cancer. This report was immediately followed by a segment on the dangers of skin cancer and the need for everyone to avoid prolonged exposure to sunlight. Its nice to know that schizophrenics have such wonderful job opportunities in TV news.

Show us on the doll how the movie touched you.

With the release of the new G.I. Joe movie, I think it's too bad Hollywood can't be charged for raping my inner child.

Those bank statements really bring out the flavor

I went shopping for a new paper shredder, and I saved myself twenty bucks by buying a hibachi grill instead. It can destroy my documents and cook a steak at the same time!

Suddenly I'm annoyed by anything to my right.

Today, I got a headache on only one side of my head. So, do I take half an Aleve?

They mistakenly arrest a stroke victim intead

I lost my pepper spray for self defense, so I started carrying a bottle of Chloraseptic intead. Not nearly as incapacitating, but I could always tell the cops to look for the guy who looks like he just had Botox.

I got that going for me, which is nice.

I've come to the sudden realization that I live my life in equal amounts of uncontrollable laughter, maddening confusion and primal terror. But on the upside, at least there's balance.

They'd rather be loud than informed

I, for one, am not surprised at all by the town hall protests. Because Americans as a people love to argue, and I respect you if you don't agree with me, but you gotta concede that you just helped prove my point.

Getting my frozen treat and eat it, too

Some people like to choose someone or something to blame for the supposed downfall of society. You know who I blame? The makers of Klondike Bars. For decades, they've been asking people to do things counter to their moral code for chocolate covered ice cream. Wanna know what I do for a Klondike bar? I drop $1.79 and keep my dignity intact.

Show some smoke to match that fire in your belly

I'm tempted to join these town hall protests. I want to stand in the middle of all the protesters chanting along with them, getting louder and louder, getting everyone really worked up. Then, I'll pull a gas can out of my backpack (that's filled with water), and start pouring it over my head. Then, I pull out a Zippo and start flicking it. I just wanna see how many people try to stop me, but more importantly, how many people want to join me.

Damn, you need this more than I do

You know you've got problems when you share your story with a homeless guy and he gives you change.

I made myself feel unproductive

This morning I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror. It quickly escalated to a performance review, and the results were less than satisfactory.

Pace yourself!

I recently saw a 3-D movie with a friend of mine. Once the movie started, she was all "Oh, WOW! This is amazing! Did you see that?" The lasted about five minutes before I spoke up, "You live in the third dimension, calm down!"

The job search continues

I'm having to play catch-up here. I had a lot of life shit distract me from writing new jokes. Having to find a new job, having to pay my bills, etc. But most of all trying to figure out what my next step is in life. I've been making a list of everything I'm good at and seeing if I could possibly make a career out of it. Unfortunately, no one is looking for a Muppet historian or a Super Mario technician.

The moderate never gets any credence

Everybody talks about the lesser of two evils, but in my experience, evil tends to come in threes. In which case, I always choose the moderate of all evils. Sure, there was a safer choice, but there's always a chance they could work out. Even if it doesn't, it least I didn't go with the really big mistake!

Looks like I need a remedy.

This weekend, I saw the Black Crowes in concert, but had to leave early. I had forgotten that the opening riff of any Black Crowes song is like announcing, "OK, light up, hippies!"

Ordinarily, I'd be all over that stuff, but if I need to take a drug test soon, I didn't want my defense to be, "Do you guys like music?"

I don't think I can merge right now, Dave.

A new Mercedes can wake you up if you start to nod off, correct you if you wander into another lane and slam the brakes for you if an accident is eminent. When that day arrives that these luxury vehicles become self aware and start killing their drivers, I will be truly glad I chose a mid-range domestic car.

How cliché!

It really disturbs me that they use animated bears to advertise toilet paper. What next? Using skinned cats to sell knife sets?

Not sure if I'm cool just yet. Fingers crossed.

Cool means being able to run into the same cute girl three days in a row without seeming like you're stalking her.

Hardcore has a price, people.

Much in the same way transexuals are required to live their lives as the opposite sex for a year before the actual surgery, I propose the same rules should apply to tattoos. If some douchebag wants barbed wire around his bicep, tie some real barbed wire around it for a while. Want that Chinese lettering on your lower back? Get your passport ready. Want a mermaid on your thigh? Better learn to breathe underwater.

Imagine the arguments then!

Wouldn't it be weird if the rapture happened and everyone left behind was a conspiracy theorist?

They all say I should act now before it's too late.

I cleaned out my spam folder today. I would have missed a lot of important messages, if I were a poorly invested, impotent, porn addicted, Nigerian ex-national.

This one's a visual joke

I found this banner ad on a web site today. Here's a good marketing tip for you: When you need someone to model the effectiveness of your new teeth whitening formula, don't hire a former meth addict. Or the British.

Her name is Flo. I freeze framed and zoomed in on her name tag.

Forget money, forget security, forget everything that comes with having a job... I just need a job to stop watching so much TV. I may have reached a crisis level when I realized I was falling in love with the woman from the Progressive Insurance commercials.

Kinda like the Stalin Museum having a gift shop.

For someone as pro-Capitalism/anti-Communist as Ayn Rand was, isn't it a little ironic for the Ayn Rand Institute to be a non-profit organization?

Next, I'll wash my car to make it rain

Back on April 30, I made a joke about always thinking about the worst-case scenario, wherein I made the comment "Well, at least I wasn't stabbed." That joke turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, as last night I was, indeed, stabbed. Long story, read about it here.

So now, I'm writing a joke that a large breasted woman will hand me a Publisher's Clearing House check.

I'm number three!

The results are in for the Absolute Best of Tulsa Awards. I am now the third best comedian in the city of Tulsa. I have to step up my game. Next year, I hope to go home from that awards ceremony with more than a shot glass and a pocket full of bacon wrapped chicken.

And a gallon of Fabreze, too.

I like to think that my love for my friends is unconditional. However, the nobility of letting a drunk friend crash at your place wavers a bit the next day when you're asking a store employee which stain remover works best on vomit.

What's the worst that could happen?

Here it is, a week and a half after July 4th, and I still have neighbors shooting off fireworks. Last night, they used their gas meter as a launchpad. Sadly, nothing happened... Natural selection fails us once again.

Sorry about that, Mukluk

I absolutely hate racism. Not just because of the sheer stupidity, but also because as a comedian it's a tough subject to approach. Most racist jokes are interchangeable... Just insert-ethnic-slur-here kind of stuff. Whenever a good one comes along, I use something really obscure, like Eskimos. But just my luck, when the joke is finished, there's some guy in a sealskin parka standing behind me with a harpoon.

Yeah, I remember my first beer...

I experienced my strangest heckler to date. I started out my set with "Good evening, Tulsa!", and a guy in the back yells out, "DALLAS!"

100,000 words in the English language, and this guy chooses one that isn't even legal in Scrabble.

And for my closer, I'm gonna shake my keys for three minutes straight

Last night I experienced my worst crowd since I started doing stand up. It was like performing for a special needs daycare right after nap time.

What are they paving the roads with here, oatmeal?

I have a theory that the Oklahoma Department of Transportation is receiving bribes from every mechanic that does suspension work. It's the only explanation for the roads being this shitty.

I seem to be made to eat junk food, it's my lot in life.

For Halloween this year, I want to make a C-3PO costume for my physique. Imagine that, a protocol droid with a beer gut.

No one gets far in life playing songs exactly as they're told to.

I have a lot of friends who keep trying to get me to play Guitar Hero. I tell them that I have a real guitar that hasn't been touched in two years. Artistically speaking, I've accomplished more with that than I ever would playing the video game.

Too bad he gave up the Tonight Show

With all of political scandals, Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin coverage... Is it just me, or have we been living in Jay Leno's wet dream for the past couple of weeks?

Made in less time, with cheaper labor, yet costs twice as much.

I have to give my friend hell for liking Sapporo, because if there's anything the Japanese know well, it's making beer. On the other hand, it is the only beer with Bluetooth.

Place your bets!

Sarah Palin has announced her resignation as Governor of Alaska. Anyone else notice she did this on Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend, and the Daily Show is off all next week? She didn't give a significant reason for her decision, which leads me to believe that next week something big is gonna go down. That is why I'm opening a betting pool. Is there a secret meth lab in the Governor's mansion? Has Todd Palin been hunting Eskimoes? Could Trig somehow be pregnant?

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #5

Today's focus: The BOK Center (also known as "Turn on Denver, you can't miss it.")

Featuring seating for 19,199 (because 19,200 would be a little too indulgent), the BOK Center opened on August 30th, 2008 with performances from Garth Brooks and Hanson. They're local acts that made it big at one time, folks. It's not like we blew all the money on construction and then decided to hire the same acts as the State Fair. Ahem...

Tulsa commissioned famed architect Cesar Pelli to design the arena. He incorporated elements of design themes indicative of Tulsa, drawing on Art Deco, Native American and contemporary styles... Mostly on the inside. The outside, on the other hand, looks like a cinnamon roll made out of duct tape. Which is fitting, given Tulsans' affinity for both baked goods and MacGuyver-like repair projects.

It's blight on downtown's skyline and often frustrating lack of parking aside, the benefit of the arena has outweighed it's flaws. From a business perspective, it has opened the door for more new businesses downtown, including new restaurants, bars and much more creative stories from bums asking you for spare change. It has also helped out many Tulsans in finally figuring out just where the hell those arena football games take place.

Also, it has raised the level of pride in the city. Finally, we can boast that Springsteen, U2, the Eagles, and other big name acts have been in Tulsa without the story involving their tour busses breaking down.

I could've killed it with a pebble

I had a soft shell crab sandwich for dinner tonight. It was good, but I felt kinda guilty for eating an animal with such a horrible defense mechanism.

When it does, shit's gonna get done.

I'm not lazy, I'm just waiting on my clone army to fully mature.

That, and it's a weight off of my shoulders.

I've grown accustomed to having long hair, but today, I had to break down and get a haircut. I finally passed that crucial threshold where the cost of a haircut was considerably less than another round of shampoo, conditioner and styling products.

That's ironic, the doctors put him in a hyperbaric chamber

If just one more person tells me some lame Michael Jackson joke and suggest I do it on stage, I'm lighting their hair on fire. Not just because it's too soon, or that I'm a fan, but because their the same stupid jokes people have been saying for years, only now they're telling them in the past tense.

So, I lost my job because I didn't go to church?

Last week, Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern (R-what a surprise) introduced a resolution that blames our current economic woes on, get this, a collapse of morality in our society. I'm beginning to think that our elected officials only do this kind of stuff because they desperately want to get on the Daily Show.

Let the conspiracy theories commence.

Elvis, the King of Rock and Roll... Bernie Mac, one of the Original Kings of Comedy... Micheal Jackson, the King of Pop... Is it just me, or is being labeled as royalty in show business a bit of a death sentence? I, for one, only aspire to a lesser title, like Duke or Knight... Less of a chance of dying suddenly.

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #4

Today's focus: The Oral Roberts University Campus (also known as Six Flags Over Jesus)

Tulsa is a college town. However, it is also a Christian college town. This usually means that we have just as many parties, just less booze and most of them are over by about 10:30. I used to live close to the University of Tulsa, where things are a bit wilder, and several late night keggers in my neighborhood made me pine for the days I lived next to Oral Roberts University.

In the early Sixties, Oral Roberts claimed that God had come to him and told him, ""Build Me a University. Build it on My Authority, and on the Holy Spirit..." Looking at the campus' bizarre architecture, one would imagine God also told him, "Give a five year old a gold crayon and have him design it for you."

I imagine the inside of the buildings as being very functional for the purposes of a top ranked university. But the outside of the buildings? It's as if the architects went a little mad with their protractors and said, "Hey, let's use every conceivable angle except for level!"

Seriously, folks, if you stand at the right spot at sunset, the silhouette of all of the campus buildings looks like a heart monitor when the patient gets shocked with those paddles. CLEAR!

New buildings have been added over the years to accommodate the growth of the school, and the overall look of the school has been maintained throughout. They say that it's to keep the look consistent, but I suspect they're still holding out hope that someone will use the campus to remake Logan's Run, shot for shot.

The campus is also home to the Praying Hands, a legendary Tulsa landmark. There's an old joke that the hands used to be wide open until the day someone tossed up a nickel, at which point the hands closed to catch it.

Thank you, but just know I'm writing this shit down.

One of the toughest parts of unemployment is keeping track of all of the things my friends are doing for me, like picking up the tab at the restaurant, buying me a beer, etc. I'm hoping I can one day repay the favors in one fell swoop. Is there a restaurant that offers a surf and turf dinner dipped in gold?

Spitzer, Craig, Sandford... sensing a pattern here?

My favorite part of any election is paying extra-close attention to the candidates' platforms, because it gives an indicator of the juicy scandals that lie ahead. If a candidate is staunchly opposed to gay marriage, you know sooner or later some pool boy at the Key West Radisson is gonna out him as his lover. If they have a hard line on drug offenders, just wait... Video of that candidate doing lines of coke off a hooker's ass is coming forthwith.

Not to say that it happens every time, but it's somewhat satisfying when it does. On the other hand, it makes me worry when a politician announces legislation against bestiality, and brings out all of his family's dogs for the photo opp. Those dogs never look that happy to see him.

Exposure is exposure, I guess.

With reality TV shows like Speeders, Cheaters, Operation Repo, COPS... Look, we get it! People are scum! But on the other hand, even the worst offenders still sign the release form to get their faces on TV. Odds, are a lot of them put it on their acting resumé.

That's all it takes, really. Pressure and time.

One way I handle stress is to imagine Morgan Freeman narrating the situation. If his voice can make two hours of penguins walking seem interesting, it can get me through my wait at the DMV. If he can make prison rape seem like a normal part of life, he can help me overcome a bounced check. And if he can describe aliens dying of the common cold in a way that won't make me demand my money back, well, he can get me through that blind date next week.

Always the silver medal.

It's Father's Day. That reminds me, I have to call up my step-dad and hang up on him in mid-conversation.

The sun-stroked ham was a little dry

Times are tough for everyone. Today, I saw a butcher shop that only sells meat from animals who died from freak accidents. I got a nice Porterhouse from a cow that got swept up in a flood... Very juicy. Also, I got a whole chicken that was struck by lightning. Alright! Pre-cooked!

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #3

Today's focus: One Technology Center (also known as Tulsa City Hall and The Dirty Ice Cube)

Williams Companies (whose founder was also responsible for our last architecture feature, the BOK tower) built this structure. Like the BOK Tower, which is right next door, it was a stupid idea from the start. Mainly because it is a glass building in a city in the middle of Tornado Alley, What could possibly go wrong? Well...

About a month after this building was open for business, a large gust of wind blew through downtown Tulsa, blowing out whole rows of windows on the northeast corner and sending shards of glass crashing to the street below. The windows were fixed and reinforced, no doubt by the second lowest bidder this time around.

Fortunately, no cars were on the street below when the glass fell. Otherwise, it would've prompted several phone calls to insurance companies starting with the words, "OK, bear with me here, 'cause this is gonna sound reallllly strange..."

Now, this building houses Tulsa's City Hall. Because nothing says I have a dead-end job with the city quite like a building that looks like it was designed by the Borg Collective.

Yep. I've resorted to grammar humor

I had a boss once who gave me this one piece of advice in dealing with customers. He told me to say however instead of the word but, because but is tantamount to calling the customer an asshole. You'd think that'd be helpful advice, and that I always take that into account when speaking to people, asshole I always get it all mixed up.

If I'm good, I allow myself a Sam's Choice soda as a treat

I started a new diet. It's called the career in chaos diet. It's simple: Eat nothing but peanut butter and jelly, shit nothing but gold bricks.

She could work wonders in telephone debt collection

I encountered a woman in line today who had the absolute worst voice I had ever heard. It sounded like a sick cat mated with a tornado siren. Seriously, she could rob a bank with just her voice. "Lady, I'll give you all the money if you just shut the hell up!"

I kept expecting the dog from Duck Hunt to be there

I had a nightmare last night that I could fly, but everyone on the ground kept shooting at me to bring me down. I wasn't disturbed by the dream so much as the fact that my subconscious usually isn't that obvious.

Yet another unemployment joke. Hey, it's where my mind is right now.

What does it say about my career choice when a search on Monster.com in my field garnered five ads for survey takers and four for telemarketers. Why don't they offer directions to the plasma clinic while they're at it?

Soon, I'll take up moth breeding to make the symbolism complete

Today, I did the most disheartening thing an unemployed man could do: I cleaned out my wallet. I don't need those business cards and insurance info anymore, I thought. Now, with my wallet half as thick as it used to be, it's a depressing reminder when I go to pay for something that I have no money.

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #2

Today's focus: BOK Tower (formerly known as the One Williams Center)

Before becoming an enduring symbol of the tragedy of 9/11, The World Trade Center towers were known in the architecture community as the building so bland, they made it twice. No frills, no pizazz, just the plainest skyscraper ever built... And then, they decided to make it a matching set.

Tulsa, with its rich history of Art Deco in its architecture, inexplicably decided in 1975 to model this building after the aesthetic equivalent of a full-body yawn. They even went so far as to hire the same architect. It was originally planned as four 1/4 scale replicas of the WTC towers, but after city planners pointed out how stupid of an idea that would be, the design was changed to one tower with a base 1/4 the size of the WTC, and 1/2 its height. It's this little bit of trivia that made me flash back to the math section of my SATs.

It should be noted that this building is the tallest skyscraper in the "Plains States". Irony brews strong in T-Town.

Another note of interest: on September 11, 2001, the BOK Tower was evacuated. You know, in case a small commuter jet was hijacked.

Good for morale, but sucks for client relations.

The one thing keeping me from being my own boss is my problem with any authority figure... even if it's a voice in my own head. The only way to find common ground would require being blind, stinking drunk the whole time I'm on the clock.

The gov't teat allows no complaining

Being unemployed really changes your perspective on government. Suddenly, I find myself a little less critical of the bailouts as I wait for that first unemployment check to come in.

Be nice... or else

I've always wanted to train a squad of ninjas. Their purpose would be to enforce common courtesy. 20 items in the 10 items or less line? Prepare to get wailed on with nunchucks. Cut me off in traffic? Try explaining to your insurance company why there are throwing stars in all four tires. Admit it, that one guy in the movie theater talking loudly on his cell phone deserves an elegant thrashing by expertly trained warriors.

I smell a possible cross-promotion with Bayer

Gatorade has always had advertisements full of athletes performing at the top of their game. But they have yet to show anything featuring their largest demographic: The hung over. I'm not asking for a targeted ad campaign, just insert some clips into their usual montage of some guy in a wrinkled business suit and messed-up hair popping a couple of aspirin.

Meanwhile, Congress is like Guitar Hero

I tend to view politics like it's Karaoke night at my favorite bar. The person up on stage never does what everyone wants, and more often than not, they're a bit of a dick about it. Just look at our past few presidents:

1. Ronald Reagan: Did two songs, kept forgetting the lyrics.
2. George Bush: Got booed off the stage.
3. Bill Clinton: Started off with Fleetwood Mac, and finished with Pearl Necklace by ZZ Top.
4. George W. Bush: Cut in front of Al Gore and butchered a couple of Toby Keith tunes.
5. Barack Obama: Managed to find a version of Why Can't We Be Friends? with an incredibly long intro. We're still waiting for the first verse to start.

Good thing they keep these shots from the jury

Exactly how is it that every police station in this country can make all mug shots look the same way. Surely they're all using different cameras with different settings, and yet, they all have the same feel. Grainy texture, weird shadows, the lighting that provides all of the warmth of a Wal-Mart bathroom. How do they do it? I've worked in Photoshop for a long time, and there's no "Scary as hell" filter that I know of.

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #1

Today's focus: The City of Faith Towers (now known as the Cityplex towers)

Oral Roberts commissioned the design of these towers to correlate with biblical descriptions of Noah's Ark. It apparently was difficult to find an architect that didn't immediately say, "What the hell is a cubit?"

The tallest tower is the length of the Ark, the second tower is the width, and the shortest tower is the height. Ironically, the building is not built to handle a flood.

Could come in handy during an audit

If I had to chose a superpower to have, it would have to be Empathy Projection: The ability to make someone understand everything from your perspective. I could really have fun with that. I'd always drag things out for a long time and wait until the argument reached a fever pitch, when you're both screaming at the top of your lungs and it's about to come to blows, then ZAP!

"Oh, yeah, I see your point. Wait, what the hell just happened?"

In their defense, society has always been obsessed with that general area

Kim Kardashian & Paris Hilton, made sex tapes... FAMOUS! Kate Gosselin & the Octomom each had eight kids... FAMOUS! This means there is a whole generation of women in our society who are only famous solely because of what has come in or out of their hoo-ha.

It's in your best interest to keep me focused on success

Whatever happens, whether I make it to the top or go down in a blaze of glory, I'm taking all of you guys with me.

Because birdseed ain't cheap.

I think I figured it out: All this time, Wile E. Coyote has just been returning all of the merchandise back to ACME for store credit, and has been buying his next round of supplies that way. It's the only reasonable explanation for him to be able to afford all that stuff, because I refuse to live in a world where a freakin' coyote has a better credit score than I do.

Susan Boyle got more hits than 2 Girls 1 Cup? Puh-leeze.

I don't buy it when Yahoo! lists the most searched subjects on their home page. Am I really supposed to believe that more people looked up who won American Idol than, say, video clips of Japanese lesbian schoolgirls?

It has slots big enough for bagels, comrades!

Whenever I hear of some new product being advertised as "revolutionary", I often picture someone getting the urge to buy a beret and camo fatigues with it... Years after the bloody coup, they write a memoir of the toaster that sparked the new world order.

Pretty high and mighty for someone having to share a spine!

Yeah, sure, I called them Siamese twins, and they looked at me like I'm the jerk! What's the big deal? It makes them sound exotic. No sense being so damned sensitive about it. They should learn to stand on their own four feet.

Shut up, and good luck!

There are days where my life is full of little frustrations that no good will come out of doing something about it. Take last night, for example, when my neighbor was having a loud fight with her boyfriend on the best way to load all of her stuff into the U-Haul.

Frosted Flakes. They're CRRRRRUNK!

A good rule of thumb for urban slang: Once you see a cartoon animal say it, it's no longer cool.

Empathy, Schmempathy

One part of human nature that has always puzzled me: Any small injury short of a trip to the hospital is always funny. You see someone stub their toe, hit their elbow on the edge of a table, walk into a glass door... Hilarious! Unless there's blood. In which case, we check to see if they're alright. If they are... Hilarious!

You could cut off his head, but it'd take a few whacks

I'm getting pretty sick of Rush Limbaugh. Not just because I disagree with his politics, but because by all reasoning he should've been dead five times over by now. Oxycodone addiction, cigar smoking, a steady diet of, well, anything he can get his hands on, not to mention all the people he's pissed off over the years. I mean, of all the people in this world to have the life force of the Highlander, why did it have to be him?

Snarky comment, and cue the Who song!

I keep watching CSI: Miami because I'm waiting for someone on the investigative team to finally blurt out, "How the hell should I know? And could you please knock it off with the damned sunglasses already?"

We just might live the good life yet

I keep a mix CD of TV theme songs in my car at all times. Just in case I pull up to a red light next to someone blaring their music at full blast, I pop in that disc and crank up the tunes. There's nothing quite like the look on a gangsta wannabe's face when they see me rocking out to Mr. Belvedere.

They should just have a show called "Daddy never paid attention to me"

Between American Idol, America's Got Talent and So You Think You Can Dance, reality TV is a constant reminder of why I'm glad I chose not to major in Theater.

Am I right? Ladies?

Doing stand-up, it's very difficult to avoid all those hack clichés that have been done over and over again. So, I'm gonna get them all out of my system in one fell swoop:

Ever notice how white guys are always leaving the toilet seat up? Particularly after eating airline food and driving slow in the fast lane? That guy must be on crack... Or Mexican. Typical.

I foresee major bullshit

I recently read a copy of The Complete Prophecies of Nostradamus that was printed back in 1977. It's eerie how accurate he was in predicting the 1994 nuclear war. Damned French.

They see me rolling, they hatin'

Today, I saw a stretched limo made out of a truck. You know, for when you want to ride in luxury, but still want to haul stuff. I'm thinking of renting it next time I move.

Weak!

They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yeah, say that to someone subjected to arsenic poisoning.

Outsourcing and heresy

I would one day like to learn to speak Hindi. That way, I can curse telemarketers in their native language. As it stands, all I can do to tick them off is to noisily eat a philly cheesesteak sandwich, and describe it in detail.

Mmmm... Neutral

I like to make iced tea at home with one part Morning Thunder and one part Sleepytime. You drink it, and it has no effect on you whatsoever. After one cup, you're right back where you started.

Nothing to see here...

When I'm having a bad day, it's impossible for me to hide it. Everybody always asks me what's wrong. My facial expressions tend to be as subtle as crime scene tape around a day care center. You know it's gotta be bad, but you can't help but ask.

And a -%10 chance of drunken orgy, so it all evens out

Today's forecast: There will be a %50 chance of success, %30 chance of failure, and a %30 chance everyone will figure out that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Their mothers must be so proud

I read a news article recently reporting on the arrest and firing of two park rangers who were caught taking turns pissing into Old Faithful. The thing that caught me was that the reporter felt compelled to point out that the men did this when Old Faithful was not erupting. I think we gathered that when the headline didn't read TWO MEN SUFFER THIRD-DEGREE GENITAL BURNS.

Running out of room, so I'm moving to the fenders

This one guy keeps parking in my space at my apartment complex. So, I'm getting back at him slowly. Whenever there's a hailstorm, which happens quite frequently here in Oklahoma, I grab my ball peen hammer and take a couple of whacks into his hood. He'll eventually get the point when he sees that all of these dents are forming the words PARK SOMEWHERE ELSE, DICKWEED!

This is why I'm banned from Wikipedia

One fun thing I like to do when I'm over at someone's house is to open up their Trivial Pursuit games and glue together the cards, so the answers on the back don't match the questions on the front. My hope is to see if any of the wrong answers later get used in conversation as applied knowledge. "Did you know the Moonwalk was first popularized by Warren G. Harding?"

Striking fear in others can be fun!

Here's something fun to do next time you're out: Go to a bookstore and grab a book about mass murderers. Then go sit in the café, flip through the book and occasionally chuckle and say, "Fucking amateurs." If anyone looks over at you, nod your head at them and take a sip of your latte.

Does the Federation support gay marriage?

After watching the new Star Trek movie, I find myself compelled to surf the conservative blogs in hope that I'll find just one right-winger pissed off that the only two places on Earth shown in the movie are Iowa and San Francisco. Seems as though gay marriage didn't destroy civilization after all, huh?

There should really be a special register open for these people

I always like to push for truth in advertising. For instance, I don't believe anyone should be allowed to use the term "convenience store". Because whenever you're in there to pre-pay for gas, you're in line behind some idiot paying for powerball tickets with a two-party out-of-state check from the Bank of Tunisia. The next guy stays at the counter to see if his scratch-offs are all winners, and then purchases a money order with loose change. The next guy uses his food stamp card and it takes him three tries to get their PIN number right. Then there's the guy that wants THAT brand of cigarettes... no, not that one, the one next to it... no, the other side... oh, could he get that in a soft pack instead?

That's why I go out of my way to thank that one guy in line that has his shit together. One cup of coffee that costs $.85, and he slaps down three quarters and a dime. My hero.

Time flies when others are having fun

In one commercial break on TV last night, I saw (in order) commercials for Match.com, Olive Garden, KY warming lubricant, Kay Jewelers and a local law firm. In two and a half minutes, they spanned an entire relationship, and I never had to even leave the couch.

Would it be called funny or soggy?

Driving to work this morning, I couldn't help but wonder how it could possibly be both sunny and foggy. It's like driving through an 80's music video.

Waste want, want not

Maybe it's time I change my diet. I cut my finger at work the other day and gravy came out. A co-worker asked if I wanted a Band-Aid, but I opted for a biscuit instead.

Save your receipts, gay people!

One gay couple I know found a way around the whole gay marriage thing: They incorporated themselves as a business. It has all of the benefits of a marriage, plus some extra perks. Every date night can be a tax write off, infidelity can be explained as "taking the day off", etc.

The best part? They actually have insurance in case the (business) relationship fails. How awesome is that? Can single people get in on that? If I have a bad date, can I file a claim and get my money back?

I criticize, but I'm tempted to order some.

Ladies and gentlemen, they say it couldn't be done. Behold! Bacon Salt!

I find it really disturbing that someone had this higher on their priority list than, say, eliminating world hunger! At least when we finally get around to feeding that last starving child in the world, his gratitude will be expressed with, "Mmm... Bacon!"

That'd be so hardcore

First it was wizards, then zombies, then vampires. I hope the next big trend will be Voodoo. That way, I can really look like a badass by sacrificing a live goat in front of Hot Topic. That'll show those little posers.

The power of paranoid thinking

I attribute the majority of the happiness in my life to my tendency to always think of the worst case scenario in any situation. That way, not matter what happens, I'm never truly disappointed. Even if things are bad, I can smile and say, "Hey, at least I wasn't stabbed."

Assistant to the Executive Vice President in Charge of Marketing... Oh, just die already.

After a number of years working in graphic design and typesetting business cards, I've found that the worthlessness of your job is directly proportional to the number of syllables in your job title.

Boo, mofo!

There comes a time in every one's life where you just want to die, if anything, just to be able to haunt the crap out of everyone. Did you ever see the movie Poltergeist? Yeah, I could be down for some of that action.

Follow up question: Seriously?

I've always wanted to sneak into a press conference somewhere just to mess with the speaker. I'd get called upon and I'd ask something completely off-topic, like, "Senator, I have a two part question: Would you like the rest of this cake, and if not, are you sure? It's good cake." Just the thought of an entire press corp staring at me blankly and the security guards not quite knowing what to do... It just makes me giggle.

Like Avis, I try harder

I'm the kind of guy that every woman wants to date... Right after they break up with someone. I'm the emotional equivalent of a rental car. I haul around all their baggage, and when they're ready to upgrade, they turn me back in. I should start charging a security deposit.

Great Scot!

One of my favorite films from my youth is Back to the Future. However, it's hard for me to watch that movie nowadays because I can't help but think about how much deep shit Doc Brown is in by the end of that movie. If you look at that story objectively, he's technically guilty of:

1. Trespassing on the Twin Pines/Lone Pine Mall
2. Vandalism (starting fires in the parking lot)
3. Animal cruelty
4. Operating an unlicensed vehicle (remember the license plate fell off the DeLorean)
5. Possible firearms charge (depending on whether that .357 magnum was registered)
6. Possession of an unstable element without a permit (Plutonium)
7. Speeding (88 MPH within the city limits)
8. Endangering the safety of a minor (poor Marty)
9. Treason/Conspiring with enemies of the State (in this case, the Libyans)

Not to mention that in California, when a death occurs during the commission of a felony, it's a instant charge of first-degree murder for each dead body. However, it's never clear if any of the Libyans actually died. They may have just been knocked unconscious by the crash into the photomat. In which case, his troubles are far from over (fatwa, anyone?)

Likewise, when you take the whole trilogy into account, he and Marty are in violation of several FAA regulations for flying two different unlicensed aircraft, obstruction of justice, breaking & entering, train robbery, abandoning a vehicle on the train tracks, countless acts of destruction of property, littering, assault... The list goes on!

One ring to bring them all, and at the reception, toast them.

When the Lord of the Rings Movies first came out, jewelers became swamped with requests for replicas of the One Ring to use as, get this, wedding rings! So, to symbolize their wedding vows, these couples want the embodiment of pure evil? Depending on your own point of view, that could seem really screwed up, or rather apt.