I was asked to lead everyone in saying grace before Thanksgiving dinner, because if anyone is qualified, it's someone who hasn't voluntarily entered a church in twenty years:
"OK, I guess we should all join hands... Or not. Alright, let's do this. Um, Lord, God, Yahweh, whatever you're going by these days, we just want to thank you for this bountiful feast before us today. However, most of this food is heavily processed which probably isn't your thing, but I suppose we can thank you for granting Reasor's Foods the wisdom to accept coupons.
Thank you for bringing all of us together on this day. And please forgive us for the judgmental behavior we are all sure to bear witness to. We know that technically, You are the only one allowed to pass judgment. We're just building up a defense strategy down here... Let's face it, it's not like you've got lawyers up there.
Based on the way Grandma is looking at me right now, I personally want to thank you for designing lightning in just such a way that prohibits it from striking through the roof of this two-story house. And please let the turkey put us all in enough of a catatonic state that my little speech here will be quickly forgotten. Rub a dub dub, ectos domine, habeas corpus, deux ex machina. Amen."
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