Oh, so many reasons

Perhaps I'm jinxing myself for Christmas, but at least I made it through Thanksgiving without a single family member asking me why I'm not married yet. I guess they all have accepted the idea that at my age if a man is still single, there's probably a good reason why.

Wookin' pa nub in aw the wong paces

In talking with a friend about me not having a girlfriend, one thing that I came to realize is that I really haven't narrowed down exactly what I'm looking for in a woman. Upon much thought on the matter, I've come down to three requirements:

1. She must have confidence in herself, and not feel like she has to talk shit about others to do so.

2. She doesn't have to like the same things as me, but she must at least understand why I like them. A good example of a deal breaker for me is to have to again answer the question, "What's so great about Star Wars?"

3. She must not possess the kind of personality that gives my best friends lockjaw. You know, like when I ask them what they think of her, they don't say "She seems nice!" through clinched teeth.

Strangely enough, her next roll landed her in jail.

There are certain things you never want to do when you're in a relationship, like play Monopoly.
The closest I've ever come to being the victim of domestic violence stemmed from the $500 for landing on Free Parking rule.

Time flies when others are having fun

In one commercial break on TV last night, I saw (in order) commercials for Match.com, Olive Garden, KY warming lubricant, Kay Jewelers and a local law firm. In two and a half minutes, they spanned an entire relationship, and I never had to even leave the couch.

Like Avis, I try harder

I'm the kind of guy that every woman wants to date... Right after they break up with someone. I'm the emotional equivalent of a rental car. I haul around all their baggage, and when they're ready to upgrade, they turn me back in. I should start charging a security deposit.

Giving eHarmony a run for its money.

I had a tarot reading once, and the lady told me that the love of my life is closer than I think, and that I already know her. I have a lot of female friends, so whenever I hang out with a group of them, I feel like Hercule Poirot trying to draw out the identity of a murderer. "Someone... In this room... Will be... My GIRLFRIEND!"

You never forget your first

Susie Northcutt. She showed me hers, I showed her mine, she punched me in the stomach and ran away. Sure, that was in the second grade, but she started a lifelong trend in my life.