Boo-Ya!

Ever notice how when someone is being a sore winner, screaming "IN YOUR FACE!" and acting all macho that they almost always leave themselves open for a kick to the nuts? I think that's why they call it being cocky.

Call your doctor to ask if it's right for you

I want to sign up for medical experiments just so I can fake side effects they've never seen before. That would make the commercials so much funnier. In a smooth baritone voice over, "Side effects may include intestinal palpitations, hot shoulders, green toenails, delusions of levitation, uncontrollable glibness and an inverted erection."

Words to live by

"One must always accept responsibility for their own actions."
- Anonymous

Mark it 8, Dude

I really like bowling because it's the only sport where it's perfectly acceptable to order an entire meal and eat it in the middle of the game. I'd like to see someone try that during a football game. The referee would come out, "Defense has called a time out so Number 42 could order some ribs. Anyone else want some?"

UPDATE: I've just been informed that a similar joke has been featured in Jim Gaffigan's latest stand-up special, King Baby. Seeing as this special premiered the day after this joke was posted*, rest assured that this was a great-minds-think-alike situation, thus I will not be changing it.

* Yes, I'm aware that the special was recorded long before I posted my joke, and so, Gaffigan technically came up with the joke first. However, since I swear I had not seen him perform this joke before I posted it, I still will not be changing the joke. That, and I'm a lazy, lazy man.

However, it would help those people with their cleansing fasts.

To help aid with quitting smoking, I've started doing yoga. I don't actually take the classes, I just punch up the lessons on my pay-per-view. Not only is it cheaper, but it saves people from having to see a guy with my (ahem) husky exterior attempting movements here-to-fore forbidden by the laws of physics. It looks like a Tempurpedic mattress being folded in half after being left out in the rain.

You're casting stones? Seriously?

Wouldn't it be weird if Jesus Christ was as uppity as most Christians in this country seem to be? It would change the whole mythology. You'd have films like The Greatest Story Ever Told (In My Opinion), and The Passive-Aggression of the Christ. The sermon on the mount would simply be, "My dad can beat up your dad."

You'd be surprised how good my penmanship is while carving.

Car alarms do NOT make cars any safer. In fact they make most people, myself, reach for their sharpest key... I like to leave them a detailed letter to inform them how much of a jerk they are, complete with illustrations, footnotes and bibliography.

Lesson #1,875 that I had to learn the hard way

There are three types of people in this world that you should never do business with, under any circumstances: A lawyer with a 1-800 number, a man sporting a business suit and a mullet, and anyone who uses the word "pre-approved" as part of their sales pitch.

Sad when I'm more productive when I'm asleep

One side effect of nicotine patches that will take some getting used to: night terrors. That, and I've been known to sleepwalk on occasion. You know your dreams are a little too intense when you wake up and all of the furniture is rearranged, the cat is scared of you and all the dishes are done.

Oooh! Can I be Queequeg?

I got a phone call from the Yellow Pages asking me if I wanted to buy a larger listing. I asked them that if they're in the business of putting people in books no one reads anymore, could they insert me into Moby Dick?

Hey, at least this one is Tartar Control

I think the qualifications for "crimes against humanity" are too specific. I think they should be expanded to include, say, the guy responsible for Bud Light with Lime. He created a beer that tastes like a freshly shampooed carpet and actually convinced people to drink it.

Just how bad is this drink? If you left an unopened bottle on a street corner next to a bottle of mouthwash, the alcoholic bums will take the mouthwash and leave the beer.

The Million Wheezer's March

I'm trying to quit smoking again. I'd like to tell you it's for my health, but actually it's because they've added a new tax of $.80 a pack. Now I, like many other smokers, have to choose between paying extra and quitting. Because we sure as hell aren't gonna march on Washington. "You expect us to walk?!? Have you seen how many steps there are at the Capitol?"

That's why I only date when it's cloudy

Dating is like trying to attract lightning. You're out in the open field, trying to find that magical spark. Of course, if running around like a madman, wrapped in tin foil and waving around a golf club helps you find a girlfriend... Well, more power to you.

On the bright side, the kid will be awesome at Whack-A-Mole!

A good friend of mine and his wife welcomed their first child into the world this week. My friend was more nervous than normal for a first-time dad, and I think it's because he was smoking a lot of pot around the time the kid was conceived. He was relieved, "OK, ten fingers, ten toes... Three arms, but at least the finger count adds up alright."

Different cultures, same customs

I really enjoy St. Patrick's Day, even though I'm German. We German's celebrate Oktoberfest, which is basically the same thing: Eating bland food, drinking a lot of beer and attacking our neighbors.

Giving eHarmony a run for its money.

I had a tarot reading once, and the lady told me that the love of my life is closer than I think, and that I already know her. I have a lot of female friends, so whenever I hang out with a group of them, I feel like Hercule Poirot trying to draw out the identity of a murderer. "Someone... In this room... Will be... My GIRLFRIEND!"

On the plus side, I never have to starch my shirts.

Everything I buy immediately gets a thick coating of Thompson's Water Seal. That way, whenever I need to clean up the place, all it takes is five minutes with a power sprayer. It pisses the cat off something fierce, but that's merely temporary.

Blowing gunsmoke

During a recent political debate, a Conservative friend of mine passionately argued that the Obama Administration wants to take away all of our guns. When I pressed him for his source on this information, he said he got it from his gun dealer. You know, for someone who's as pro-Capitalism as my friend, he should be better at recognizing a sales pitch.

It's the same gun-hoarding panic as when Clinton took office. About the most the Clinton Administration did was say, "Hey, if you need a fully automatic with tracer rounds to go hunting, maybe you should consider another sport. The point is to leave at least some meat on the animal, don't you think?"

Don't believe the hype!

In light of my recent arrest for indecent exposure, let it be said that there is a wrong way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Duh, Inc.

While it's commendable for a company to hire the mentally challenged, it's much less impressive when you're self-employed.

But then Jesus showed up, saying, "Oh, that one was for me."

I once got a fortune cookie that read, "One person with you will betray you." Which kinda tripped me up, because I was eating alone. I kept looking around the restaurant thinking, which of you bastards is it gonna be?

Today's forecast: Unusually chilly with chance of WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?

With the weather here in Oklahoma lately, I wonder who exactly pissed off Mother Nature so much. They better come forward and apologize before we have to start rounding up all the virgins for the sacrifice.

Watching the little Watchman

The strangest thing I found about the Watchmen movie, was that there had to be one special effects guy in charge of blue penis rendering. This means the question had to be raised, circumcised or uncut? The guy's name is Osterman, after all... Sounds a little Jew-y to me.

Can they be charged with pavement neglect?

After running over a beer can on an "adopted" stretch of highway, I was left questioning if they have any approval process in place at all for highway adoption. You'd think they could have an inspection of their household, you know, to see how clean they keep their own house before trusting them with a mile of asphalt. Surely, they could at least do a drive-by, being the Department of Transportation and all.

Enjoy your kids' nightmares, irresponsible parent!

I used to get really bent out of shape when parents would bring their little kids to an R-rated movie. "You're bringing a four-year-old to Starship Troopers? Really?!?" But nowadays, I just sneak the kids some highly sugared candy to shut them up and I sit back and enjoy the movie, content in the idea that I'm not gonna have to deal with those kid's questions afterward.

Better restock, it's 4:20!

Have you ever seen a bunch of stoners eat at an all-you-can-eat buffet? It's slow-motion chaos! Kinda like John Woo filming Cookie Monster let loose at a Mrs. Field's franchise.

Have you ever looked at a Franklin Planner...on weed?

I was kinda shocked to find out that one of my stoner friends actually keeps a day planner. He wouldn't show it to me, by I would imagine it would read something like this:
9:00 -- Wake
9:05 -- Bake
9:20 - 4:00 -- Halo 3
4:20 -- Smoke more pot
6:00 -- Cici's Pizza Buffet
7:00 -- Robotech Marathon
12:00 -- Sleep

"Sanctity" of marriage, sponsored by Diet Coke

In all of this controversy over The Bachelor, has anyone considered how much of a slap in the face this is to gays and lesbians? No, you can't get married, but we'll whore out twenty women on national TV for one guy to dump all but one of them for an engagement that probably won't last five minutes past the season finale.

I'm laughing all the way to the bank, but I forgot where it was

They say that in hard economic times like today, marijuana sales are booming. That's why I invested all of my money in Mallomars and Pink Floyd records.

I'm looking for an oatmeal raisin kind of girl

I really should of asked out that girl from the bakery. She was kind, funny, and best of all she smelled like cookies.

That's my time, folks!

There are three worst case scenarios for Stand-up Comics: First is death on stage, where no one is laughing at your material. Second is literal death on stage, because, well, you're dead. But the worst, I would imagine, is near death on stage. Because how are you gonna top having a heart attack? The audience would then be expecting that from you every time!