Susan Boyle got more hits than 2 Girls 1 Cup? Puh-leeze.

I don't buy it when Yahoo! lists the most searched subjects on their home page. Am I really supposed to believe that more people looked up who won American Idol than, say, video clips of Japanese lesbian schoolgirls?

It has slots big enough for bagels, comrades!

Whenever I hear of some new product being advertised as "revolutionary", I often picture someone getting the urge to buy a beret and camo fatigues with it... Years after the bloody coup, they write a memoir of the toaster that sparked the new world order.

Pretty high and mighty for someone having to share a spine!

Yeah, sure, I called them Siamese twins, and they looked at me like I'm the jerk! What's the big deal? It makes them sound exotic. No sense being so damned sensitive about it. They should learn to stand on their own four feet.

Shut up, and good luck!

There are days where my life is full of little frustrations that no good will come out of doing something about it. Take last night, for example, when my neighbor was having a loud fight with her boyfriend on the best way to load all of her stuff into the U-Haul.

Frosted Flakes. They're CRRRRRUNK!

A good rule of thumb for urban slang: Once you see a cartoon animal say it, it's no longer cool.

Empathy, Schmempathy

One part of human nature that has always puzzled me: Any small injury short of a trip to the hospital is always funny. You see someone stub their toe, hit their elbow on the edge of a table, walk into a glass door... Hilarious! Unless there's blood. In which case, we check to see if they're alright. If they are... Hilarious!

You could cut off his head, but it'd take a few whacks

I'm getting pretty sick of Rush Limbaugh. Not just because I disagree with his politics, but because by all reasoning he should've been dead five times over by now. Oxycodone addiction, cigar smoking, a steady diet of, well, anything he can get his hands on, not to mention all the people he's pissed off over the years. I mean, of all the people in this world to have the life force of the Highlander, why did it have to be him?

Snarky comment, and cue the Who song!

I keep watching CSI: Miami because I'm waiting for someone on the investigative team to finally blurt out, "How the hell should I know? And could you please knock it off with the damned sunglasses already?"

We just might live the good life yet

I keep a mix CD of TV theme songs in my car at all times. Just in case I pull up to a red light next to someone blaring their music at full blast, I pop in that disc and crank up the tunes. There's nothing quite like the look on a gangsta wannabe's face when they see me rocking out to Mr. Belvedere.

They should just have a show called "Daddy never paid attention to me"

Between American Idol, America's Got Talent and So You Think You Can Dance, reality TV is a constant reminder of why I'm glad I chose not to major in Theater.

Am I right? Ladies?

Doing stand-up, it's very difficult to avoid all those hack clichés that have been done over and over again. So, I'm gonna get them all out of my system in one fell swoop:

Ever notice how white guys are always leaving the toilet seat up? Particularly after eating airline food and driving slow in the fast lane? That guy must be on crack... Or Mexican. Typical.

I foresee major bullshit

I recently read a copy of The Complete Prophecies of Nostradamus that was printed back in 1977. It's eerie how accurate he was in predicting the 1994 nuclear war. Damned French.

They see me rolling, they hatin'

Today, I saw a stretched limo made out of a truck. You know, for when you want to ride in luxury, but still want to haul stuff. I'm thinking of renting it next time I move.

Weak!

They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yeah, say that to someone subjected to arsenic poisoning.

Outsourcing and heresy

I would one day like to learn to speak Hindi. That way, I can curse telemarketers in their native language. As it stands, all I can do to tick them off is to noisily eat a philly cheesesteak sandwich, and describe it in detail.

Mmmm... Neutral

I like to make iced tea at home with one part Morning Thunder and one part Sleepytime. You drink it, and it has no effect on you whatsoever. After one cup, you're right back where you started.

Nothing to see here...

When I'm having a bad day, it's impossible for me to hide it. Everybody always asks me what's wrong. My facial expressions tend to be as subtle as crime scene tape around a day care center. You know it's gotta be bad, but you can't help but ask.

And a -%10 chance of drunken orgy, so it all evens out

Today's forecast: There will be a %50 chance of success, %30 chance of failure, and a %30 chance everyone will figure out that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Their mothers must be so proud

I read a news article recently reporting on the arrest and firing of two park rangers who were caught taking turns pissing into Old Faithful. The thing that caught me was that the reporter felt compelled to point out that the men did this when Old Faithful was not erupting. I think we gathered that when the headline didn't read TWO MEN SUFFER THIRD-DEGREE GENITAL BURNS.

Running out of room, so I'm moving to the fenders

This one guy keeps parking in my space at my apartment complex. So, I'm getting back at him slowly. Whenever there's a hailstorm, which happens quite frequently here in Oklahoma, I grab my ball peen hammer and take a couple of whacks into his hood. He'll eventually get the point when he sees that all of these dents are forming the words PARK SOMEWHERE ELSE, DICKWEED!

This is why I'm banned from Wikipedia

One fun thing I like to do when I'm over at someone's house is to open up their Trivial Pursuit games and glue together the cards, so the answers on the back don't match the questions on the front. My hope is to see if any of the wrong answers later get used in conversation as applied knowledge. "Did you know the Moonwalk was first popularized by Warren G. Harding?"

Striking fear in others can be fun!

Here's something fun to do next time you're out: Go to a bookstore and grab a book about mass murderers. Then go sit in the café, flip through the book and occasionally chuckle and say, "Fucking amateurs." If anyone looks over at you, nod your head at them and take a sip of your latte.

Does the Federation support gay marriage?

After watching the new Star Trek movie, I find myself compelled to surf the conservative blogs in hope that I'll find just one right-winger pissed off that the only two places on Earth shown in the movie are Iowa and San Francisco. Seems as though gay marriage didn't destroy civilization after all, huh?

There should really be a special register open for these people

I always like to push for truth in advertising. For instance, I don't believe anyone should be allowed to use the term "convenience store". Because whenever you're in there to pre-pay for gas, you're in line behind some idiot paying for powerball tickets with a two-party out-of-state check from the Bank of Tunisia. The next guy stays at the counter to see if his scratch-offs are all winners, and then purchases a money order with loose change. The next guy uses his food stamp card and it takes him three tries to get their PIN number right. Then there's the guy that wants THAT brand of cigarettes... no, not that one, the one next to it... no, the other side... oh, could he get that in a soft pack instead?

That's why I go out of my way to thank that one guy in line that has his shit together. One cup of coffee that costs $.85, and he slaps down three quarters and a dime. My hero.

Time flies when others are having fun

In one commercial break on TV last night, I saw (in order) commercials for Match.com, Olive Garden, KY warming lubricant, Kay Jewelers and a local law firm. In two and a half minutes, they spanned an entire relationship, and I never had to even leave the couch.

Would it be called funny or soggy?

Driving to work this morning, I couldn't help but wonder how it could possibly be both sunny and foggy. It's like driving through an 80's music video.

Waste want, want not

Maybe it's time I change my diet. I cut my finger at work the other day and gravy came out. A co-worker asked if I wanted a Band-Aid, but I opted for a biscuit instead.

Save your receipts, gay people!

One gay couple I know found a way around the whole gay marriage thing: They incorporated themselves as a business. It has all of the benefits of a marriage, plus some extra perks. Every date night can be a tax write off, infidelity can be explained as "taking the day off", etc.

The best part? They actually have insurance in case the (business) relationship fails. How awesome is that? Can single people get in on that? If I have a bad date, can I file a claim and get my money back?

I criticize, but I'm tempted to order some.

Ladies and gentlemen, they say it couldn't be done. Behold! Bacon Salt!

I find it really disturbing that someone had this higher on their priority list than, say, eliminating world hunger! At least when we finally get around to feeding that last starving child in the world, his gratitude will be expressed with, "Mmm... Bacon!"

That'd be so hardcore

First it was wizards, then zombies, then vampires. I hope the next big trend will be Voodoo. That way, I can really look like a badass by sacrificing a live goat in front of Hot Topic. That'll show those little posers.