And now, because I gotta take a leak, here's Sports!

My dream job is to be a weather man here in Oklahoma. It's the only job where you can be wrong 99.9% of the time, and not only will you keep your job, but also get awards for excellence in your field. Hell, you could go on the air drunk off your ass and no one will say a damn thing. "Alrighty, let's look at this weather map thingy. (burp) Okay, we've got this green blob over us today, which means, shit, I dunno... Plague of frogs?"

Hey, they asked!

Whenever I'm at a concert and the lead singer or whoever asks everyone how they're doing, I always try to be honest. No "WOO-HOO" or "YEAH!", I just get it all off my chest. "I'm OK... Was a little depressed earlier..."

I hope this will catch on, and one day be at a huge arena show, and see ten thousand people just cut through all the bullshit. Mick Jagger asks, "Are you ready to rock and roll?", and everyone screams "For three hundred bucks, YOU should be the one ready to rock and roll, you rich bastard!"

The dark lord suggests you pay the cable bill.

What sets me apart from most psychotics is that the demonic voices in my head only tell me to do practical things.

This show brought to you by the letters F and U

One thing I always loved about my grandmother was her affinity for home remedies. Particularly, her homemade cough medicine, which consisted of rock candy dissolved in Jack Daniels. It worked like a charm. The only downside was being a five-year-old with a hangover. "No Fruit Loops for me... Just black coffee, please. And could you turn off Sesame Street? Grover's about to drive me mad with that near-far-near-far bullshit."

Maybe Bill O'Reilly just needs a nap

I used to really enjoy watching political news shows, but now that the election is over, it's gone right back to looking like a live feed of a special needs day care.

In a world of pure indentured servitude

It's been reported that almost 40% of the world's chocolate is harvested by child slave labor. As unsettlng as this news is, I can't shake the idea that it'd be really funny if they made the kids dress up like Oompa Loompas.

Bret Michaels, your life is calling.

For a moment, I thought it was weird that the Oscars had a montage for all the careers that had died over the past year. But then I realized I had sat on the remote and it switched over to VH1.

One minute at a time

There's really no mystery why we have so much trouble battling our addictions, because there's always someone willing to capitalize on the chance we'll cave in. That's why there's a bar next door to every Alcoholics Anonymous office. That's why there's an all-you-can-eat buffet next to Jenny Craig. And business is booming.

This scene brought to you by Wayerhauser

Whenever something explodes in a movie, there's always burning sheets of paper falling afterward. If I was in an action movie, I'd just steer clear of any large stacks of paper, because you know that's where the bomb must be hidden.

Hai Kiba! I'm Sorry!

I have my own form of Martial Arts, called Fritschie Fu. It mainly consists of apologizing at the top of my lungs while running at full speed.

And Man applied the stain.

Many people believe the Earth is only 6,000 years old. So, let me get this straight... 6,000 years ago, God blinked the world into existence, but decided to make everything look like it's been here for millions of years? Now, I like a good faux finish, a nice antique look, but I have a hard time believing in a supreme being that applied the same technique to the planet that I once did to a coffee table.

Cash for your kidneys, NOW!

You know the economy is bad when gold buyers are advertising during the Super Bowl. We needn't worry, though. When black market live organ dealers start renting billboards, that's the time to panic.

Build a robot to care care of it, will ya?

I'm not so much afraid of total nuclear annihilation as much as I am of lone nuclear survival. Because if you think I'm gonna clean up after all of you people, you are sadly mistaken.

Might not want to stuff it with Life-Savers, though

Sending flowers to a funeral is so cliché. I always send a piñata. Nothing helps the grieving process along quite like beating a paper mache donkey. Added bonus: free candy!

Nothing says I love you like cured meat

I noticed that Hickory Farms was having a Valentine's Day sale. Talk about a complete lack of subtlety! "Baby, Hope you enjoy swallowing this salami. Love, Me."

And he had to pay 25 cents in restitution

I heard on the news that a man was busted for shoplifting at Goodwill. I feel sorry for the guy, because he obviously lacks ambition.

Or, since Twilight came out, would they just sparkle?

What effect would sunless suntan lotion have on a vampire? You'd think it would be as effective as holy water or garlic. The trouble is, if you're close enough to apply it, you're pretty much already doomed. Perhaps if you could push the vampire into a spray-on tanning booth...

5 ways in which life is like an S.T.D.

Life is like an sexually transmitted disease in that...

...for most of us, the trouble started in the back seat of a car, and could've been easily prevented through proper use of a condom.

...most scientists theorize that at some point in history African monkeys played a vital role.

...when the bad news comes, I feel obligated to call an ex-girlfriend or two.

...it's really difficult to accurately define it to a five-year-old.

...it has a painful and uncomfortable way of punishing you for all that fun you had last Saturday night.

I'll either need a condom or a razor blade.

One of the main side effects of Viagra is depression, yet most anti-depressants run the risk of erectile dysfunction. Essentially, it all comes down to a choice between sex and the will to live. Tough call, man.

Show me angry! Show me angry!

If we want to find Osama bin Laden, let's hire the paparazzi. If they can find Lindsay Lohan on a remote beach in Fiji, they can find the world's most wanted criminal. But who'll keep the tabloids in business, you ask? Simple. You start a photography work release program for violent criminals. Within a year, the war on terror is won, and Paris Hilton will be too scared to leave the house. Win-freaking-win, people!

Making it rain doubles.

I've been collecting two-dollar bills for years now. I hope is to take my collection to the strip club. Any time a guy tips a single, I'll show him up by tipping a double. The best part is the thought that a stripper will be counting her tips at the end of the night, and wonder how the hell she wound up with so many twos.

Mmm...Right Guard...

In the health and beauty industry, the many varieties of one brand of deodorant are referred to as "flavors". Does any one else find that mildly disturbing?

What will I do next?

I like to consider myself psychic, but I can only tell my own future. It's pretty easy, given free will and all.

There's a unopened bottle of Armor-All in there somewhere

My car is not messy. It's merely a set of seat covers made of intricately quilted hamburger wrappers, bank statements and empty cigarette packs.

Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200

I blame our current financial crisis on the board game Monopoly. Letting repeat criminals run a bank and own the utilities, helloooo!

Sadness, Despair... A Jedi craves not these things

Do you think the Jedi Academy ever had cliques? You know, jock Jedi, stoner Jedi, bitchy cheerleader Jedi, etc. Mostly, I wonder if the goth Jedi cut themselves with tiny lightsabers.

Little Debbie goes to Gitmo

Another way to get information out of terror suspects: Cupcakes. No one could ever claim it is inhumane. Plus, they have a calming effect on people that relaxes them to point of wanting to talk about stuff. Give a detainee a cupcake, and I guarantee that after one bite, they'll be leaning back in their chair saying, "You won't believe what Osama did the other day. We were in the cave- You've been to our cave, right? Oh, I just have to take you there!"

Talk about counter-terrorism!

In all this talk about the use of torture against our enemies, I can't help but think, have we completely ruled out tickling? That always works on getting information out of me.