On January 1, 2009, I started an experiment to write one new joke every day for at least one year. As 2009 rolled forward, the universe proceeded to deal me a series of events that left me with no lack of inspiration for new material. Most of these jokes have found their way into my on-stage routine, and most of them have become staples of my act.

Now that I have made it through my first year, my focus has shifted from quantity to quality. I still update with new jokes, just not on my original every frickin' day deadline. Please feel free to grade these jokes, and heckle them. If a joke gets heckled enough, I will go back and make them better. I want to make sure my audience gets their money's worth, even though this is a free service.

Monday, December 7

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.Here are mine for the week:

1. Hell, it ain't any dumber looking than a Bluetooth.

2. "Doc says I have to wear this so I don't chew on my stitches."

3. Every time I go to the movies, some jackass like this always sits in front of me.


  1. Hey Bob, could you pull the high end out a little? I'm getting a lot of hiss up here.

  2. 1) I used to think the South lost the war because of the rise of Egyptian cotton and the Mexican deterrence of French reinforcements at Puebla. Now I know.

    2) Lincoln said WHAT?!? (I'll four score HIS seven years ago...)

    3) James Bond circa 1965: Suave
    James Bond circa 1865: douchbag with shit on his head.

    4)M-I-C...K-E-Y...M-O-U-S-E Mickey Mouse!

  3. 1 Can you hear me now? Good. . . Because I need to tell you how retarded you look.

    2 Satellite radio has been around alot longer then we thought.

    3 Look at that fine wood paneling. They just don't make houses like that anymore.

  4. Herbert spent months inventing a device to listen to the other children across the street. Sadly, they were talking about what a dork Herbert was.