On January 1, 2009, I started an experiment to write one new joke every day for at least one year. As 2009 rolled forward, the universe proceeded to deal me a series of events that left me with no lack of inspiration for new material. Most of these jokes have found their way into my on-stage routine, and most of them have become staples of my act.

Now that I have made it through my first year, my focus has shifted from quantity to quality. I still update with new jokes, just not on my original every frickin' day deadline. Please feel free to grade these jokes, and heckle them. If a joke gets heckled enough, I will go back and make them better. I want to make sure my audience gets their money's worth, even though this is a free service.

Monday, December 28

Audience Participation Caption Contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. And the Lord replied, "When you saw only one set of crab walk prints in the sand, that is when I carried you."

2. Bob always freaked the fuck out whenever he dropped a contact.

3. Don't look at him, Stacy. You'll only encourage him.


  1. As the man passed, Lori and Susan both felt deeply grateful that it wasn't a nude beach.

  2. "What's wrong with Steve?"
    "He's got a really bad case of the crabs."

  3. 1. MY PRECIOUS(ES)!!!

    2. What you don't see is the overturned motorcycle that is just out of frame.

  4. "That freak has been hovering around us all day!"