I'd hate to see the trail... ANY trail.

I reached a special level of broke and lazy when I decided to pour the last remnants of bags of pretzels, potato chips, Doritos and animal crackers (with frosting) into a bowl and when a friend asked me what I was eating, I simply said, "trail mix."

Need a mint?

Today I saw the worst advertisement possible for a restaurant: A woman outside in the bushes puking. I asked her if she was alright, but what I really wanted to ask was what menu item to avoid.

Tough call

Taco Bueno has just introduced the Cheeseburger Taco, and I don't know whether to weep or hit the drive-thru.

I also work wonders with Ramen

You know you've reached a special level of broke when you know more than five different ways to dress up Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

I could've killed it with a pebble

I had a soft shell crab sandwich for dinner tonight. It was good, but I felt kinda guilty for eating an animal with such a horrible defense mechanism.

Mark it 8, Dude

I really like bowling because it's the only sport where it's perfectly acceptable to order an entire meal and eat it in the middle of the game. I'd like to see someone try that during a football game. The referee would come out, "Defense has called a time out so Number 42 could order some ribs. Anyone else want some?"

UPDATE: I've just been informed that a similar joke has been featured in Jim Gaffigan's latest stand-up special, King Baby. Seeing as this special premiered the day after this joke was posted*, rest assured that this was a great-minds-think-alike situation, thus I will not be changing it.

* Yes, I'm aware that the special was recorded long before I posted my joke, and so, Gaffigan technically came up with the joke first. However, since I swear I had not seen him perform this joke before I posted it, I still will not be changing the joke. That, and I'm a lazy, lazy man.

Different cultures, same customs

I really enjoy St. Patrick's Day, even though I'm German. We German's celebrate Oktoberfest, which is basically the same thing: Eating bland food, drinking a lot of beer and attacking our neighbors.

No one wants to ride with me anymore

Every road trip I take begins with the purchase of raisins, beef jerky and a bottle of Gatorade. I guess if I'm gonna spend hours in a car, I might as well test the effects of electrolytes on dried food products. The irony comes later when my car needs gas and my body has too much.