Now to find a way to put this on my resumé

Being unemployed has more than prepared me for working in advertising, because now I can put a positive spin on everything in my life. I don't tell people that I'm too broke to buy new razors, I just say I'm growing a beard. That mess in my kitchen? That's my penicillin research. Sure, these are the same clothes I wore yesterday, but I'm saving water, and that's good for the environment!

It's about time that naughty list got some finer print.

There's no greater proof of our society being a bunch of spoiled rotten pricks than all of the Christmas commercials on TV. Almost every retailer has at least one ad depicting Santa asking a clerk for help finding the best price on high-end products. Forgiving the fact that every clerk in these ads is completely buying into the idea that a mythical being is at their store, but they never question why a man who possesses the power to visit every house in the world in ONE NIGHT needs to find the best price on a 60" HDTV.

They do the same thing when I get in a fight...weird.

Winter: that time of year that I really regret my wardrobe consisting mainly of loose, breathable cotton. I take one step outside, and my balls go, "I don't know about you, but I'm going back inside!" Then, they retract like a scared turtle.

Kinda like a member of the glee club drinking Mad Dog

I was at the mall the other day, and I couldn't stop laughing at the sight of this one Emo kid eating a Happy Meal. Da-da-da-da-daaaaa... I'm loving the irony!

Read the sign, dipshit!

I think it's funny when people come to the comedy club, walk in and ask "So, having a comedy show tonight?" No, we're doing tragedy tonight. We're having a slide show on the Holocaust, a fund raiser for abused animals, and a poetry recital: Haikus from the Homeless.

All out of Boone's Farm.
The pigeons talk about me.
One day they'll all pay.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.Here are mine for the week:

1. Hell, it ain't any dumber looking than a Bluetooth.

2. "Doc says I have to wear this so I don't chew on my stitches."

3. Every time I go to the movies, some jackass like this always sits in front of me.

At least that pothole I hit tried its best

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Timeless proverb, or the motto of the Oklahoma Department of Transportation? You be the judge.

The heels aren't helping, either

The biggest problem for an artist in this economy is we're all reaching that point where we must go against our creative ideals and wind up whoring ourselves out to whomever will pay us. Plus, December is one miserable month to be standing on that street corner.

I'm lying back down. Its just safer that way.

I've been limping around the past couple of days after hurting my heel on the coffee table. Leave it to me to injure myself getting off the damn couch.

Other qualifications: Breakout and Pole Position

I recently applied for a job running a teleprompter. Essentially, the job requires carefully and precisely turning a knob. They asked me what makes me qualified, and I gave a one word answer: Pong.

Stupid people and technology... bad mix

Why is it every time I have to wait in line somewhere for something simple like swapping out a DVR remote, I always get stuck in line behind someone who has lived in a cave for the past twenty years, and their first act in joining society is getting a digital cable package? This lady ahead of me actually said to the customer service rep, "I get all of these channels? I'm not gonna be able to watch all of these!" Like it's mandatory!

When they told her someone will need to be at her house between 10 and 2 tomorrow, she asked, "Someone besides me?"

She also signed up for the internet package, which I suspect will lead to the discovery that her laptop is, in fact, an Etch-a-sketch.

When you get to the bottom you go back to the top...

It seems that there are way too many people nowadays doing outrageous and sometimes felonious things for no other reason than to get famous. The Octomom, Balloon Boy's parents, the White House party crashers, etc. Look, I understand the need for attention. I am a stand-up comic, after all. But in seeing some of the news stories over the past year, it makes me pine for the good ol' days of Charles Manson. Now, that was a guy who could sell crazy!

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below:Here are mine for the week:

1. Did you drop a contact, or is this a glitch in the Matrix?

2. I have a sneaking suspicion that the tuna rolls were not dolphin safe.

3. This restaurant kinda gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "You got served!"

Oh, so many reasons

Perhaps I'm jinxing myself for Christmas, but at least I made it through Thanksgiving without a single family member asking me why I'm not married yet. I guess they all have accepted the idea that at my age if a man is still single, there's probably a good reason why.

Another joke I'll have to answer for someday

I was asked to lead everyone in saying grace before Thanksgiving dinner, because if anyone is qualified, it's someone who hasn't voluntarily entered a church in twenty years:

"OK, I guess we should all join hands... Or not. Alright, let's do this. Um, Lord, God, Yahweh, whatever you're going by these days, we just want to thank you for this bountiful feast before us today. However, most of this food is heavily processed which probably isn't your thing, but I suppose we can thank you for granting Reasor's Foods the wisdom to accept coupons.

Thank you for bringing all of us together on this day. And please forgive us for the judgmental behavior we are all sure to bear witness to. We know that technically, You are the only one allowed to pass judgment. We're just building up a defense strategy down here... Let's face it, it's not like you've got lawyers up there.

Based on the way Grandma is looking at me right now, I personally want to thank you for designing lightning in just such a way that prohibits it from striking through the roof of this two-story house. And please let the turkey put us all in enough of a catatonic state that my little speech here will be quickly forgotten. Rub a dub dub, ectos domine, habeas corpus, deux ex machina. Amen."

Explain that, Darwin!

Every year at Thanksgiving, animal rights organizations start their push for people to stop killing turkeys. Look, I love animals as much as anyone, but the fact remains that turkeys that are one of the only animals so stupid that they can drown in a rainstorm. Turkey farmers don't even chop their heads off any more. They just turn on the sprinklers. Hell, I'm surprised Creationists don't use them as an argument against Natural Selection.

OK, I'll have some dessert, but then I gotta do lift some weights.

This year, my family used a Cajun Injector on the turkey. For a split second, I thought they had invited up a porn star from New Orleans. But it's this giant syringe used to inject the marinade directly into the meat. Again, I didn't know this. All I knew was when I walked into the kitchen, it looked like my stepdad was giving the turkey steroids. "You know that only works when the turkey is still alive, right? That'll have more effect on us than it will the bird." Although that would be funny. Everyone at dinner and suddenly all their voices drop an octave. Everyone starts arm wrestling over who gets the last crescent roll. My sweet little grandmother turns to me and demands to know how much I can bench press.

More food jokes for Thanksgiving!

I was at a pot luck Thanksgiving dinner a couple years ago and someone brought this casserole that was made with elbow macaroni, shredded potatoes and rice, all baked on a bed of bread crumbs. That, my friends, was the complex carbohydrate hat trick! All that was missing was a layer of powdered sugar on top! Ordinarily, one cannot make a dish containing that much starch without it first becoming a low-grade explosive.

Enjoy the salmonella!

One of the most searched recipes on the web around Thanksgiving is for mashed potatoes. Look, if the person making your Thanksgiving dinner is too stupid to make mashed potatoes, why are you trusting them with turkey?

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Hecklers section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Some say the secret ingredient is love... and Angel Dust.

2. Sure, it's a bit crazy, but they're just psyching themselves up to shop at Best Buy at 4 a.m.

3. Yet another reason to regret my mother getting a Facebook account, a scanner and a need to remember the "good ol' days."