I hate Starbucks as much as the next guy, but DAMN!

In the last election, Oklahoma was the only state to have every county go for the Republicans. To help put that in perspective, this means that Utah is officially more progressive than us, and they have people there that believe coffee is a hell-worthy trespass.

They had to remove him from the hall with a forklift

Representative Joe Wilson (R-SC) heckled the President tonight. He has since apologized, blaming it on back pain caused by the weight and strain of his massive balls.

They'd rather be loud than informed

I, for one, am not surprised at all by the town hall protests. Because Americans as a people love to argue, and I respect you if you don't agree with me, but you gotta concede that you just helped prove my point.

Spitzer, Craig, Sandford... sensing a pattern here?

My favorite part of any election is paying extra-close attention to the candidates' platforms, because it gives an indicator of the juicy scandals that lie ahead. If a candidate is staunchly opposed to gay marriage, you know sooner or later some pool boy at the Key West Radisson is gonna out him as his lover. If they have a hard line on drug offenders, just wait... Video of that candidate doing lines of coke off a hooker's ass is coming forthwith.

Not to say that it happens every time, but it's somewhat satisfying when it does. On the other hand, it makes me worry when a politician announces legislation against bestiality, and brings out all of his family's dogs for the photo opp. Those dogs never look that happy to see him.

Meanwhile, Congress is like Guitar Hero

I tend to view politics like it's Karaoke night at my favorite bar. The person up on stage never does what everyone wants, and more often than not, they're a bit of a dick about it. Just look at our past few presidents:

1. Ronald Reagan: Did two songs, kept forgetting the lyrics.
2. George Bush: Got booed off the stage.
3. Bill Clinton: Started off with Fleetwood Mac, and finished with Pearl Necklace by ZZ Top.
4. George W. Bush: Cut in front of Al Gore and butchered a couple of Toby Keith tunes.
5. Barack Obama: Managed to find a version of Why Can't We Be Friends? with an incredibly long intro. We're still waiting for the first verse to start.

Blowing gunsmoke

During a recent political debate, a Conservative friend of mine passionately argued that the Obama Administration wants to take away all of our guns. When I pressed him for his source on this information, he said he got it from his gun dealer. You know, for someone who's as pro-Capitalism as my friend, he should be better at recognizing a sales pitch.

It's the same gun-hoarding panic as when Clinton took office. About the most the Clinton Administration did was say, "Hey, if you need a fully automatic with tracer rounds to go hunting, maybe you should consider another sport. The point is to leave at least some meat on the animal, don't you think?"

Maybe Bill O'Reilly just needs a nap

I used to really enjoy watching political news shows, but now that the election is over, it's gone right back to looking like a live feed of a special needs day care.

Don't let the secret service hit you in the ass on the way out!

As George W. Bush leaves office tomorrow, I can't think of any joke more fitting than the last eight years of that walking punch line. Goodbye, you unbelievable dipshit!

Et tu, Brute (R-KY)?

I believe our government should take a cue from the Roman Empire. C-SPAN would be much more fun to watch if everyone wore togas and there was a heightened chance of stabbings.