Later, he framed the receipt

A buddy of mine in college was having his girlfriend come to visit him, so he went to Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies. Condoms, baby oil, whipped cream, candles, roses, etc. The clerks face got redder and redder with each scan. The best part was when the total came up $69.69. How perfect was that? He held up the line for five minutes writing a check.

He buys a new mattress every couple of months

A friend of mine regaled me with the story of his latest sexual conquest today. New girl every night for this guy. At this point I'm surprised his crabs haven't died of VD.

5 ways in which life is like an S.T.D.

Life is like an sexually transmitted disease in that...

...for most of us, the trouble started in the back seat of a car, and could've been easily prevented through proper use of a condom.

...most scientists theorize that at some point in history African monkeys played a vital role.

...when the bad news comes, I feel obligated to call an ex-girlfriend or two.

...it's really difficult to accurately define it to a five-year-old.

...it has a painful and uncomfortable way of punishing you for all that fun you had last Saturday night.

I'll either need a condom or a razor blade.

One of the main side effects of Viagra is depression, yet most anti-depressants run the risk of erectile dysfunction. Essentially, it all comes down to a choice between sex and the will to live. Tough call, man.

The safety word is "Cluck"

In regards to internet porn... Did these kinds of fetishes exist before the advent of streaming video, or is everyone just trying to one-up each other on the shock value? I remember when a feather boa and dripping candle wax was considered kinky, but now you gotta use the whole chicken and a dozen road flares.