She's the reason I'm starting to suck.

The new year is really looking good so far. I met a great girl recently. She's smart, beautiful, sexy, we have tons in common, and we get along wonderfully. All of this seems to be adding up to one very sobering truth: my comedy career is fucking over! See, I write jokes based on my own personal experiences, and heretofore that has relied heavily on a very specific level of misery. I don't know if I have it in me to be both happy and funny at the same time.

And for my closer, I'm gonna shake my keys for three minutes straight

Last night I experienced my worst crowd since I started doing stand up. It was like performing for a special needs daycare right after nap time.

Am I right? Ladies?

Doing stand-up, it's very difficult to avoid all those hack clichés that have been done over and over again. So, I'm gonna get them all out of my system in one fell swoop:

Ever notice how white guys are always leaving the toilet seat up? Particularly after eating airline food and driving slow in the fast lane? That guy must be on crack... Or Mexican. Typical.

That's my time, folks!

There are three worst case scenarios for Stand-up Comics: First is death on stage, where no one is laughing at your material. Second is literal death on stage, because, well, you're dead. But the worst, I would imagine, is near death on stage. Because how are you gonna top having a heart attack? The audience would then be expecting that from you every time!