Next, I'll wash my car to make it rain

Back on April 30, I made a joke about always thinking about the worst-case scenario, wherein I made the comment "Well, at least I wasn't stabbed." That joke turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, as last night I was, indeed, stabbed. Long story, read about it here.

So now, I'm writing a joke that a large breasted woman will hand me a Publisher's Clearing House check.

Sorry about that, Mukluk

I absolutely hate racism. Not just because of the sheer stupidity, but also because as a comedian it's a tough subject to approach. Most racist jokes are interchangeable... Just insert-ethnic-slur-here kind of stuff. Whenever a good one comes along, I use something really obscure, like Eskimos. But just my luck, when the joke is finished, there's some guy in a sealskin parka standing behind me with a harpoon.

That's ironic, the doctors put him in a hyperbaric chamber

If just one more person tells me some lame Michael Jackson joke and suggest I do it on stage, I'm lighting their hair on fire. Not just because it's too soon, or that I'm a fan, but because their the same stupid jokes people have been saying for years, only now they're telling them in the past tense.