Oh, so many reasons

Perhaps I'm jinxing myself for Christmas, but at least I made it through Thanksgiving without a single family member asking me why I'm not married yet. I guess they all have accepted the idea that at my age if a man is still single, there's probably a good reason why.

Another joke I'll have to answer for someday

I was asked to lead everyone in saying grace before Thanksgiving dinner, because if anyone is qualified, it's someone who hasn't voluntarily entered a church in twenty years:

"OK, I guess we should all join hands... Or not. Alright, let's do this. Um, Lord, God, Yahweh, whatever you're going by these days, we just want to thank you for this bountiful feast before us today. However, most of this food is heavily processed which probably isn't your thing, but I suppose we can thank you for granting Reasor's Foods the wisdom to accept coupons.

Thank you for bringing all of us together on this day. And please forgive us for the judgmental behavior we are all sure to bear witness to. We know that technically, You are the only one allowed to pass judgment. We're just building up a defense strategy down here... Let's face it, it's not like you've got lawyers up there.

Based on the way Grandma is looking at me right now, I personally want to thank you for designing lightning in just such a way that prohibits it from striking through the roof of this two-story house. And please let the turkey put us all in enough of a catatonic state that my little speech here will be quickly forgotten. Rub a dub dub, ectos domine, habeas corpus, deux ex machina. Amen."

OK, I'll have some dessert, but then I gotta do lift some weights.

This year, my family used a Cajun Injector on the turkey. For a split second, I thought they had invited up a porn star from New Orleans. But it's this giant syringe used to inject the marinade directly into the meat. Again, I didn't know this. All I knew was when I walked into the kitchen, it looked like my stepdad was giving the turkey steroids. "You know that only works when the turkey is still alive, right? That'll have more effect on us than it will the bird." Although that would be funny. Everyone at dinner and suddenly all their voices drop an octave. Everyone starts arm wrestling over who gets the last crescent roll. My sweet little grandmother turns to me and demands to know how much I can bench press.

More food jokes for Thanksgiving!

I was at a pot luck Thanksgiving dinner a couple years ago and someone brought this casserole that was made with elbow macaroni, shredded potatoes and rice, all baked on a bed of bread crumbs. That, my friends, was the complex carbohydrate hat trick! All that was missing was a layer of powdered sugar on top! Ordinarily, one cannot make a dish containing that much starch without it first becoming a low-grade explosive.

Enjoy the salmonella!

One of the most searched recipes on the web around Thanksgiving is for mashed potatoes. Look, if the person making your Thanksgiving dinner is too stupid to make mashed potatoes, why are you trusting them with turkey?