The main reason I drink at home

When a swarm of hornets attack, the first one to sting emits a pheromone that attracts the other hornets to just where to attack. Human males have a similar technique, but it involves shots of Jaegermeister after 1:00 a.m.

Good for morale, but sucks for client relations.

The one thing keeping me from being my own boss is my problem with any authority figure... even if it's a voice in my own head. The only way to find common ground would require being blind, stinking drunk the whole time I'm on the clock.

Cheap Date

Just how low is my alcohol tolerance? Well, if I were to play the Leaving Las Vegas home game, it'd cost me thirty bucks, tops.

They should sell egg-shaped aspirin

Easter is the worst day of the year to have a hangover. You get absolutely no sympathy. "Man, I feel like I've been dead for three days... Oh, right. Sorry."

I'll take that as a suggestion.

The label on my cold medicine says "Alcohol may intensify the effects of this drug". So, vodka and Theraflu it is! Or, as I like to call it, a Phlegmy Mary.

Hey, at least this one is Tartar Control

I think the qualifications for "crimes against humanity" are too specific. I think they should be expanded to include, say, the guy responsible for Bud Light with Lime. He created a beer that tastes like a freshly shampooed carpet and actually convinced people to drink it.

Just how bad is this drink? If you left an unopened bottle on a street corner next to a bottle of mouthwash, the alcoholic bums will take the mouthwash and leave the beer.

This show brought to you by the letters F and U

One thing I always loved about my grandmother was her affinity for home remedies. Particularly, her homemade cough medicine, which consisted of rock candy dissolved in Jack Daniels. It worked like a charm. The only downside was being a five-year-old with a hangover. "No Fruit Loops for me... Just black coffee, please. And could you turn off Sesame Street? Grover's about to drive me mad with that near-far-near-far bullshit."

What seems to pee the broblem, occifer?

One way you could possibly avoid receiving a field sobriety test is to stick googly eyes on your driver's license photo. I never said it was a perfect plan, but then again, what is when you're that drunk?