Life imitates art, again.

I was at a friend's Halloween party tonight, and suffered a head injury. They had installed a bar over their gate for some reason, and more confusingly, they only set it at six feet. Being 6' 2", and the fact that it was pitch black outside, naturally I ran right into it. Earlier this year I make a joke about getting stabbed and then I get stabbed. Now, I literally walked into a bar. This business of writing jokes is getting dangerous.

Maybe I should see someone about this.

Everyone goes through phases of great personal reflection. Perhaps my latest phase is gone on long enough, because I keep smelling burnt almonds and tasting copper.

With a million bucks, I can afford a new heart.

I think the reason I've felt like crap so much lately is because I'm eating way too much McDonald's. Ordinarily I hate the stuff, but I keep going back because of the Monopoly game. Hey, if there's a chance at a million dollars, I'll take the dietary bullet.

In light of H1N1, he should be exiled

I've seen a lot of people doing the gauges in their ear lobes, stretching them out beyond belief. But today, I saw a guy who was doing that to the sides of his nose. And these weren't the plug kind, they were the kind with holes, giving everyone a nice view of his sinus cavity. He was creating a brand new set of nostrils. I don't want to be around this guy when he has a head cold. When he sneezes, it's gotta look like the fountains at the Bellagio.

The main reason I drink at home

When a swarm of hornets attack, the first one to sting emits a pheromone that attracts the other hornets to just where to attack. Human males have a similar technique, but it involves shots of Jaegermeister after 1:00 a.m.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. "I told you not to touch my daughter!"

2. Yogi learned the hard way not to steal pic-a-nic baskets from Russian mobsters.

3. Yeah, sure, Bob was tough enough to make a bear want to piss itself, but just wait until the next time his wife asks him to buy tampons. Homeboy buckles like a belt.

Tomorrow, I'll try Christian Broadcasting and Spice.

I spent a some time today flipping back and forth between Spike TV and Lifetime. If you do it fast enough, your body will actually go into hot flashes.

Its not graduation, it's parole

Seeing as my current job prospects are bleak, I thinking about enrolling back in college. My only real trepidation is having that conversation with other classmates around my age. It's a lot like making friends on the prison yard. "So, what did you do wrong?"

Next time, I'll just buy a taco from a bum

I knew I was gonna regret my breakfast purchase before I even took the first bite. A breakfast burrito with Chorizo from QuikTrip. Because if there's anyone who knows good Mexican sausage, it's a convenience store.

Milton Bradley has sold out, man!

Now with the Monopoly game at McDonald's and Scrabble at Subway, I'd like to see other board games get the fast food treatment. Perhaps...

Battleship at Long John Silver's - It's sink or swim!

Risk at The International House of Pancakes - Expect long lines because it'll take four hours to play.

Candy Land at Cinnabon - Compete to win free insulin for life!

Mouse Trap at Taco Mayo - Get a free "game piece" with each meal... Come to think of it, I've been playing that game for years there.

Literarily frustrated

I've been getting really into this new show FlashForward, but I was getting impatient about the way the story was unfolding... So I bought the book it was based on in hopes of getting some spoilers. I read it from cover to cover and loved it, even though the TV show is apparently very loosely based on the description on the book jacket. Never before have I read a book, been completely satisfied in the narrative, and then immediately thrown it across the room because it didn't meet up to the reason I bought it in the first place.

That blinking light on their oven is concerning me. If only I had their number.

I often look out the front windows of my meager apartment to the high-rise modern condos across the way. I'm not bitter towards the upper class. I'm sure many of them have earned their wealth. But I do hope they appreciate what they have. The fancy condo, high end electronics, beautiful wife, the Breville Espresso Machine from Williams Sonoma with milk frother and may or may not have the burr grinder attachment I can't tell because my telescope is not powerful enough... The point is I hope they're thankful.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the hecklers section below.



Here are mine for the week:

1. George W. Bush's America, ladies and gentlemen.

2. Centuries later, William Wallace is still pissing off British officials.

3. That was a chump call, ref, and you know it! Sticking, my ass!

Then I sent out five text messages that said, "You lucky son of a bitch."

Last night, I got to the bar late, but just in time to see all of my buddies leave with all of their respective hook-ups. I don't know why that brought back memories of being picked last in kickball. I guess I was tired and got my metaphors mixed up.

Insane but practical

Last night, I encountered a crazy woman wearing a red zip-up fleece jacket, beige pants and a pink dress on top of it all. Well, in her defense, it was chilly and she did at least dress in layers.

I'm frequently lost

Any advice I get on dating is kinda like Mapquest. I always get betrayed by the instructions, and more often than not, I've found myself calling a buddy for help while standing in an open field next to an angry cow.

Figures... The one thing I'm a savant with, and it's Madden '09

I've always been good at sports video games. It's not really a matter of skill, but mostly luck. I'm like the Forrest Gump of sports games: Something incredible always happens, but I don't have a clue how it happened. One time a friend got a new football game and I bet him $20 that I could beat him by pressing buttons at random. I beat him 56-3, and he only got the field goal because I stopped to take a drink of Dr. Pepper.

But it's so hard to find a kingpin with a dental plan.

It's sad that I've reached tht point in my ongoing job search where my best option is drug mule. Hey, huge paycheck, meet interesting people, travel...

They could coincide it with the inevitable death of the Trix Rabbit.

Why, after all these years, have they not added little marshmallow rabbit's feet to Lucky Charms cereal? Sure, it sounds kinda gross, but it's not like the product has that much integrity to begin with.

He's a poseur who doesn't play by the rules...

I've noticed that Hollywood has a rich tradition of making cop movies based on specific social subcultures. Gearheads had The Fast and the Furious, Pimps have Dolemite, etc. The one I'm waiting for is the pretentious hipster cop movie. "You're under arrest!" "For what?" "It's an obscure crime.. you've probably never heard of it."

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the hecklers section below.



Here are mine for the week:

1. They all knew it was a mistake casting Mel Brooks as Flava Flav, but the director was willing to take a gamble.

2. Good to know that I'm not the only one visited by the Golden Imp at one o'clock in the morning.

3. Whatever magical kingdom this is, I feel the U.N. should bomb the fuck out of it on general principle.

I hate Starbucks as much as the next guy, but DAMN!

In the last election, Oklahoma was the only state to have every county go for the Republicans. To help put that in perspective, this means that Utah is officially more progressive than us, and they have people there that believe coffee is a hell-worthy trespass.

Anything important you have to tell me must be done through interpretive dance

The best part about having Attention Deficit Disorder is that it takes so much of the pressure off. "You didn't listen to a single word I just said, did you?" Nope! Hey, it's not my fault you're not more interesting... or shiny.

Wouldn't want to be near Ann Coulter right now.

Big news today: President Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. And in a related Story, Glenn Beck is savagely pummeling a side of beef in preparation for his show tonight.

But wait, there's more!

It's so creepy how they're still releasing new Billy Mays commercials after his death. It's like he's the Tupac of tacky crap.

Love thy neighbor? Fuuuuuuck that!

There's a group out there that is revising the Bible to edit or flat-out remove passages they feel are too "Liberal". I don't have much of a joke there... I'm too busy shitting my pants upon the realization that there are Conservatives who are so far to the right that they think God is a pinko Commie.

I once cheated on my taxes and spent the money on roman candles

I'm the world's worst liar, so much so that I get really excited when someone actually believes my lies. My strongest tell: if you see me do a cartwheel, then the last thing I said was utter bullshit.

Audience participation caption contest

Add your captions in the Hecklers section below.


Here are mine for the week:

1. Dear Diary: JACKPOT!

2. Hey! My eyes are up here! No, higher... higher still...

3. This is the easiest way to tell when a sculptor hasn't had a date in a while.

Strangely enough, her next roll landed her in jail.

There are certain things you never want to do when you're in a relationship, like play Monopoly.
The closest I've ever come to being the victim of domestic violence stemmed from the $500 for landing on Free Parking rule.

I called it the Irony-mobile

I have Attention Deficit Disorder, and I drove a Ford Focus.

A full day for me.

It's a bright, sunny day. Peaceful, quiet. I think I'll go to the park and throw squirrels at joggers. Then, I'll scream at that statue near City Hall. After that, a latte.

If Obama's bike gets stolen, we have our first suspect

Am I alone in thinking that Rush Limbaugh looks a lot like Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure? Every time I hear him talk all I can think of "I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I?" But he never says it, at least not in so few words.