That, and it's a weight off of my shoulders.

I've grown accustomed to having long hair, but today, I had to break down and get a haircut. I finally passed that crucial threshold where the cost of a haircut was considerably less than another round of shampoo, conditioner and styling products.

That's ironic, the doctors put him in a hyperbaric chamber

If just one more person tells me some lame Michael Jackson joke and suggest I do it on stage, I'm lighting their hair on fire. Not just because it's too soon, or that I'm a fan, but because their the same stupid jokes people have been saying for years, only now they're telling them in the past tense.

So, I lost my job because I didn't go to church?

Last week, Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern (R-what a surprise) introduced a resolution that blames our current economic woes on, get this, a collapse of morality in our society. I'm beginning to think that our elected officials only do this kind of stuff because they desperately want to get on the Daily Show.

Let the conspiracy theories commence.

Elvis, the King of Rock and Roll... Bernie Mac, one of the Original Kings of Comedy... Micheal Jackson, the King of Pop... Is it just me, or is being labeled as royalty in show business a bit of a death sentence? I, for one, only aspire to a lesser title, like Duke or Knight... Less of a chance of dying suddenly.

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #4

Today's focus: The Oral Roberts University Campus (also known as Six Flags Over Jesus)

Tulsa is a college town. However, it is also a Christian college town. This usually means that we have just as many parties, just less booze and most of them are over by about 10:30. I used to live close to the University of Tulsa, where things are a bit wilder, and several late night keggers in my neighborhood made me pine for the days I lived next to Oral Roberts University.

In the early Sixties, Oral Roberts claimed that God had come to him and told him, ""Build Me a University. Build it on My Authority, and on the Holy Spirit..." Looking at the campus' bizarre architecture, one would imagine God also told him, "Give a five year old a gold crayon and have him design it for you."

I imagine the inside of the buildings as being very functional for the purposes of a top ranked university. But the outside of the buildings? It's as if the architects went a little mad with their protractors and said, "Hey, let's use every conceivable angle except for level!"

Seriously, folks, if you stand at the right spot at sunset, the silhouette of all of the campus buildings looks like a heart monitor when the patient gets shocked with those paddles. CLEAR!

New buildings have been added over the years to accommodate the growth of the school, and the overall look of the school has been maintained throughout. They say that it's to keep the look consistent, but I suspect they're still holding out hope that someone will use the campus to remake Logan's Run, shot for shot.

The campus is also home to the Praying Hands, a legendary Tulsa landmark. There's an old joke that the hands used to be wide open until the day someone tossed up a nickel, at which point the hands closed to catch it.

Thank you, but just know I'm writing this shit down.

One of the toughest parts of unemployment is keeping track of all of the things my friends are doing for me, like picking up the tab at the restaurant, buying me a beer, etc. I'm hoping I can one day repay the favors in one fell swoop. Is there a restaurant that offers a surf and turf dinner dipped in gold?

Spitzer, Craig, Sandford... sensing a pattern here?

My favorite part of any election is paying extra-close attention to the candidates' platforms, because it gives an indicator of the juicy scandals that lie ahead. If a candidate is staunchly opposed to gay marriage, you know sooner or later some pool boy at the Key West Radisson is gonna out him as his lover. If they have a hard line on drug offenders, just wait... Video of that candidate doing lines of coke off a hooker's ass is coming forthwith.

Not to say that it happens every time, but it's somewhat satisfying when it does. On the other hand, it makes me worry when a politician announces legislation against bestiality, and brings out all of his family's dogs for the photo opp. Those dogs never look that happy to see him.

Exposure is exposure, I guess.

With reality TV shows like Speeders, Cheaters, Operation Repo, COPS... Look, we get it! People are scum! But on the other hand, even the worst offenders still sign the release form to get their faces on TV. Odds, are a lot of them put it on their acting resumé.

That's all it takes, really. Pressure and time.

One way I handle stress is to imagine Morgan Freeman narrating the situation. If his voice can make two hours of penguins walking seem interesting, it can get me through my wait at the DMV. If he can make prison rape seem like a normal part of life, he can help me overcome a bounced check. And if he can describe aliens dying of the common cold in a way that won't make me demand my money back, well, he can get me through that blind date next week.

Always the silver medal.

It's Father's Day. That reminds me, I have to call up my step-dad and hang up on him in mid-conversation.

The sun-stroked ham was a little dry

Times are tough for everyone. Today, I saw a butcher shop that only sells meat from animals who died from freak accidents. I got a nice Porterhouse from a cow that got swept up in a flood... Very juicy. Also, I got a whole chicken that was struck by lightning. Alright! Pre-cooked!

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #3

Today's focus: One Technology Center (also known as Tulsa City Hall and The Dirty Ice Cube)

Williams Companies (whose founder was also responsible for our last architecture feature, the BOK tower) built this structure. Like the BOK Tower, which is right next door, it was a stupid idea from the start. Mainly because it is a glass building in a city in the middle of Tornado Alley, What could possibly go wrong? Well...

About a month after this building was open for business, a large gust of wind blew through downtown Tulsa, blowing out whole rows of windows on the northeast corner and sending shards of glass crashing to the street below. The windows were fixed and reinforced, no doubt by the second lowest bidder this time around.

Fortunately, no cars were on the street below when the glass fell. Otherwise, it would've prompted several phone calls to insurance companies starting with the words, "OK, bear with me here, 'cause this is gonna sound reallllly strange..."

Now, this building houses Tulsa's City Hall. Because nothing says I have a dead-end job with the city quite like a building that looks like it was designed by the Borg Collective.

Yep. I've resorted to grammar humor

I had a boss once who gave me this one piece of advice in dealing with customers. He told me to say however instead of the word but, because but is tantamount to calling the customer an asshole. You'd think that'd be helpful advice, and that I always take that into account when speaking to people, asshole I always get it all mixed up.

If I'm good, I allow myself a Sam's Choice soda as a treat

I started a new diet. It's called the career in chaos diet. It's simple: Eat nothing but peanut butter and jelly, shit nothing but gold bricks.

She could work wonders in telephone debt collection

I encountered a woman in line today who had the absolute worst voice I had ever heard. It sounded like a sick cat mated with a tornado siren. Seriously, she could rob a bank with just her voice. "Lady, I'll give you all the money if you just shut the hell up!"

I kept expecting the dog from Duck Hunt to be there

I had a nightmare last night that I could fly, but everyone on the ground kept shooting at me to bring me down. I wasn't disturbed by the dream so much as the fact that my subconscious usually isn't that obvious.

Yet another unemployment joke. Hey, it's where my mind is right now.

What does it say about my career choice when a search on Monster.com in my field garnered five ads for survey takers and four for telemarketers. Why don't they offer directions to the plasma clinic while they're at it?

Soon, I'll take up moth breeding to make the symbolism complete

Today, I did the most disheartening thing an unemployed man could do: I cleaned out my wallet. I don't need those business cards and insurance info anymore, I thought. Now, with my wallet half as thick as it used to be, it's a depressing reminder when I go to pay for something that I have no money.

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #2

Today's focus: BOK Tower (formerly known as the One Williams Center)

Before becoming an enduring symbol of the tragedy of 9/11, The World Trade Center towers were known in the architecture community as the building so bland, they made it twice. No frills, no pizazz, just the plainest skyscraper ever built... And then, they decided to make it a matching set.

Tulsa, with its rich history of Art Deco in its architecture, inexplicably decided in 1975 to model this building after the aesthetic equivalent of a full-body yawn. They even went so far as to hire the same architect. It was originally planned as four 1/4 scale replicas of the WTC towers, but after city planners pointed out how stupid of an idea that would be, the design was changed to one tower with a base 1/4 the size of the WTC, and 1/2 its height. It's this little bit of trivia that made me flash back to the math section of my SATs.

It should be noted that this building is the tallest skyscraper in the "Plains States". Irony brews strong in T-Town.

Another note of interest: on September 11, 2001, the BOK Tower was evacuated. You know, in case a small commuter jet was hijacked.

Good for morale, but sucks for client relations.

The one thing keeping me from being my own boss is my problem with any authority figure... even if it's a voice in my own head. The only way to find common ground would require being blind, stinking drunk the whole time I'm on the clock.

The gov't teat allows no complaining

Being unemployed really changes your perspective on government. Suddenly, I find myself a little less critical of the bailouts as I wait for that first unemployment check to come in.

Be nice... or else

I've always wanted to train a squad of ninjas. Their purpose would be to enforce common courtesy. 20 items in the 10 items or less line? Prepare to get wailed on with nunchucks. Cut me off in traffic? Try explaining to your insurance company why there are throwing stars in all four tires. Admit it, that one guy in the movie theater talking loudly on his cell phone deserves an elegant thrashing by expertly trained warriors.

I smell a possible cross-promotion with Bayer

Gatorade has always had advertisements full of athletes performing at the top of their game. But they have yet to show anything featuring their largest demographic: The hung over. I'm not asking for a targeted ad campaign, just insert some clips into their usual montage of some guy in a wrinkled business suit and messed-up hair popping a couple of aspirin.

Meanwhile, Congress is like Guitar Hero

I tend to view politics like it's Karaoke night at my favorite bar. The person up on stage never does what everyone wants, and more often than not, they're a bit of a dick about it. Just look at our past few presidents:

1. Ronald Reagan: Did two songs, kept forgetting the lyrics.
2. George Bush: Got booed off the stage.
3. Bill Clinton: Started off with Fleetwood Mac, and finished with Pearl Necklace by ZZ Top.
4. George W. Bush: Cut in front of Al Gore and butchered a couple of Toby Keith tunes.
5. Barack Obama: Managed to find a version of Why Can't We Be Friends? with an incredibly long intro. We're still waiting for the first verse to start.

Good thing they keep these shots from the jury

Exactly how is it that every police station in this country can make all mug shots look the same way. Surely they're all using different cameras with different settings, and yet, they all have the same feel. Grainy texture, weird shadows, the lighting that provides all of the warmth of a Wal-Mart bathroom. How do they do it? I've worked in Photoshop for a long time, and there's no "Scary as hell" filter that I know of.

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #1

Today's focus: The City of Faith Towers (now known as the Cityplex towers)

Oral Roberts commissioned the design of these towers to correlate with biblical descriptions of Noah's Ark. It apparently was difficult to find an architect that didn't immediately say, "What the hell is a cubit?"

The tallest tower is the length of the Ark, the second tower is the width, and the shortest tower is the height. Ironically, the building is not built to handle a flood.

Could come in handy during an audit

If I had to chose a superpower to have, it would have to be Empathy Projection: The ability to make someone understand everything from your perspective. I could really have fun with that. I'd always drag things out for a long time and wait until the argument reached a fever pitch, when you're both screaming at the top of your lungs and it's about to come to blows, then ZAP!

"Oh, yeah, I see your point. Wait, what the hell just happened?"

In their defense, society has always been obsessed with that general area

Kim Kardashian & Paris Hilton, made sex tapes... FAMOUS! Kate Gosselin & the Octomom each had eight kids... FAMOUS! This means there is a whole generation of women in our society who are only famous solely because of what has come in or out of their hoo-ha.

It's in your best interest to keep me focused on success

Whatever happens, whether I make it to the top or go down in a blaze of glory, I'm taking all of you guys with me.

Because birdseed ain't cheap.

I think I figured it out: All this time, Wile E. Coyote has just been returning all of the merchandise back to ACME for store credit, and has been buying his next round of supplies that way. It's the only reasonable explanation for him to be able to afford all that stuff, because I refuse to live in a world where a freakin' coyote has a better credit score than I do.