If there's one thing I'll give money for, it's a solid work ethic

Today, I encountered the world's worst panhandler. He approached me as I was going INTO QuikTrip (Instead of OUT when I might have change), he was drinking a beer and in the middle of asking me for change, his cell phone went off.

Not to mention finding an actress with measurements of 36-12-38

I just read that they're making a live-action Barbie movie. The challenge I see is casting a crotchless actor to play Ken. I mean, that guy from Twilight is pretty booked up these days.

*On a side note, I know it's pretty unfair for me to mock Twilight so often when I've never seen and never plan on seeing the movie or read the books. To me, it'd be like taking a cordless drill to my kneecap: I know it's gonna be nothing but pain and I'll never be able to let go of that memory.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the heckler's section below.


Here are my three for the week:

1. Or, as Amy Winehouse calls it: Tuesday.

2. While Coca-Cola sells more, Pepsi definitely had better advertising.

3. eHarmony can't hold a candle to Craigslist.

Fritschie don't take no disrespect, fool!

I used to think it would be cool to have enough money that I have my enemies killed. As I've gotten older and wiser, I think the best I could hope for is to occasionally hire someone to dress up as Dolemite and pimp-slap them.

You get bonus points for sucking

I find the most realistic version of Guitar Hero is Metallica, because just like the real band, you're just going through the motions.

Now the game just freezes up

I've been playing The Beatles Rock Band almost non-stop lately. But after I unlocked the Yoko Ono character, it just isn't the same. I can only play online because my bandmates can't stand to be together in the same room. Christ, I should just go solo.

There will be gyro wrappers all over the place by sunrise

There's a Greek festival starting today, just down the street from my apartment. That means there'll be a lack of decent parking in my neighborhood through the weekend, but on the upside, the air smells like grilled lamb.

It's like a percentage of meth sales going to sleep research

I find it hilarious that proceeds from the lottery go to support education. Millions of people's hopes and dreams are crushed twice a week, but their kids get the knowledge they need to get good jobs so they won't have to play the Powerball.

Don't try this at home, unless you're a complete idiot

To those who believe that Mankind has no effect on the environment, may I suggest that you sit in your garage with the car running for about an hour. Then, if you can, multiply that by the number of cars on the road today and keep in mind that from a astronomical standpoint, the Earth is an enclosed space as well.

Audience participation caption contest

Add your captions in the heckler's section below.


Here are my three for the week:

1. We came here to do two things: Drink beer and creep people the fuck out. And we're all out of beer.

2. "What the hell are you staring at?!?"

3. Images like this make me scream my safe word at the top of my lungs. In case you're wondering, it's "jalapeño".

Surprised the Air Marshal wasn't doing shots with me

Today is the eighth anniversary of the last time I was on an airplane. Yep, nine days after 9/11. All the magazines in the newsstand had that shot of the plane hitting the second tower. Everyone around me was scared shitless, and it was the night they had that big telethon. The worst part was the two guys seated behind me on the flight who wouldn't shut up about how easy it was for the hijackers to take over the planes. If it wasn't for alcohol service on the flight, I would've had a Shatner on the Twilight Zone level freakout.

He's not an asshole, he just needs his wooby

I have a theory that any the amount of machismo a man displays in public is directly proportional to the soft side he keeps hidden. Whenever I see some guy at the bar get all mouthy and try and start a fight over absolutely nothing, I can't help but think of that one room in his house that's full of stuffed animals and pictures of kittens and five locks on the door.

Sorry, pun alert

I know I had a really great dream last night, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. All I can do is curse the irony of having a memory foam pillow.

The purring means synergy

The key to working from home is multi-tasking your personal and business chores. For instance, I use the cat to erase my dry marker board. He gets petted, and the slate is clean for the next task.

Later, he framed the receipt

A buddy of mine in college was having his girlfriend come to visit him, so he went to Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies. Condoms, baby oil, whipped cream, candles, roses, etc. The clerks face got redder and redder with each scan. The best part was when the total came up $69.69. How perfect was that? He held up the line for five minutes writing a check.

100% pure adrenaline, Johnny!

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze. In his memory, I'll be refusing to let anyone put Baby in the corner. And if they do, I'll rip their throat out while skydiving. WOLVERINES!

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the heckles section below.Here are my three for the week:

1. Jeff Foxworthy's The Godfather Part II. "I knew it was you, Bill Engvall. You broke my heart."

2. Ball's in your court, FEMA.

3. I'm not calling the Coast Guard again. They'll only laugh at me.

Short of that, Everyone gets free neon green framed sunglasses

I believe that within a year, Kanye West will start calling every person in America one by one in one last desperate bid for attention.

No ceremonial run around the bases for me

I've reached that point in my single life where I've become the fake date of choice at my friends' weddings. I get all of my female friends on my arm for the night, but unfortunately there's no fake making out, fake heavy petting... Nothing.

Rememberance Day is already taken

Each year, people talk about making September 11th a national holiday. The trouble I have with that is, what would you call it? It seems weird to me to have a holiday be named after the date.

I may be up until 10 tonight!

As my friends and I get older, bachelor parties are getting more and more tame. In my twenties, a bachelor party meant I needed to stock up on condoms. Now that I'm in my thirties, I spend that money on aspirin. If I graph this progression, by the time I reach my forties I'll probably be budgeting that cash towards antacids.

They had to remove him from the hall with a forklift

Representative Joe Wilson (R-SC) heckled the President tonight. He has since apologized, blaming it on back pain caused by the weight and strain of his massive balls.

Audience participation caption contest*

In honor of this, my 250th post, I'm adding a new feature to the site: a caption contest! I'll put three (and only three) captions to start with, and it's up to you, the audience to join in the fun! New picture every Monday! Post your captions in the heckling section.

*not an actual contest, because I can't afford prizes... Nor do I possess the will to narrow it down to a winner. Just go with it, OK?

Here's this week's picture:


Here are my captions for the week:

1) And another make-up artist gets his union card.

2) Funny, I always figured C-3PO was the bottom in that relationship.

3) I find myself looking over my own affinity for Star Wars and feeling a lot more macho by contrast.

It's like Mother's Day for orphans

Ahh... Labor Day. The day of ironic insight for the unemployed.

When pallbearers become bouncers

There's this book called The Power of Positive Thinking, which states that there's no situation so bad that you can't put a positive spin on it, and that if you go through life thinking happy thoughts all the time that your life will be great. I think I speak for many of us in the real world when I say that's horse shit. Don't believe me, try that at a funeral sometime. Go up to the grieving widow and say, "Hey, look on the bright side..." After you get your head repeatedly slammed in a casket lid, come find me and tell me I was right.

Still haven't found that sign on my car that reads "Throw stuff at me!"

While running an errand in South Tulsa, not very far from where I got attacked a couple months ago, I had another run-in with teenage delinquents. This time, a bunch of kids in a black hummer threw eggs at my car. Last time they threw drinks. I'm just a couple of visits out south from a complete breakfast.

Take my life... please!

My best friend came to visit me this week and he got to catch my act at the comedy club. Afterwards, he brought up all of these stories from our youth that I might mine for comic material... Most of it shit I thought I'd blocked out for good. It's not very often that one has a brainstorming session end in heaving sobs and fists pounding on the wall while screaming "WHY WHY WHY?!?!?"

The irony is, I now get carded for cigarettes.

I shaved my goatee today. I just felt it was time for a reboot. It feels so good to do something on my terms, because usually when I'm clean shaven it means I singed off half my mustache lighting a cigarette.

You call THAT a flathead?!?

After a couple months and no new news in the investigation, I've lost hope that the cops will ever find the kid who stabbed me with a screwdriver. I guess I need to have faith that one day karma will take care of that kid. One day, he'll find himself in a fight with someone just like him. Just as impulsive, just as unwilling to fight fair... only that guy will have a gun. Or better yet, a bigger screwdriver!

Is that my lawn mower on eBay?

When I visited Graceland years ago, the first thing I noticed was that it was surrounded by middle-class housing developments. Wouldn't it have sucked to be Elvis' neighbor? Because to me, Elvis always seemed like the kind of guy who'd borrow something and never give it back. And one of his neighbors must've been pissed to later see his weed whacker on display years later.