Or, as I like to call it: Poo-wer

San Antonio, Texas is now the first city in the nation to be generating its power from human waste. How appropriate, because they're famous for their Tex-Mex. If you factor in tourism, they'll have power to spare.

Conveniently located

I finally found my happy place. It was located between the pit of oblivion and the Outback Steakhouse.

On bad days, I change the font to something more festive.

Whenever I need a pick-me up, I take the list of my fears I have typed out on my computer and reformat it from double space to single. It's kinda uplifting to have it take up three pages instead of six.

It's only proper to make the distinction

I wish there was some way to tell my ex that I don't think of her as an enemy. She's merely a reminder of every mistake I've made in my entire adult life, but no, she's not my enemy.

Just be glad everyone got on with it

Imagine how much more boring our lives would be if the phrase "long story short..." had not come into being.

I survived Y2K, this should be a piece of cake.

There are rumors that the world will end in 2012 due to the fact that the Mayan calendar will end. Is that all it takes to spawn a doomsday theory nowadays? Am I supposed to crap my pants because an ancient civilization failed to renew their Franklin Planner?

Thanks a lot, METH!

Thanks to meth, in order to get the really good cold medicine, you must provide three forms of ID, a note from your mother and an act of Congress. I found myself resorting to threats today. "Just give me the Sudafed Cold or I'll cough on you!"

Masochism knows no price limit, I guess...

Recently, I visited the Clinton Presidential Library. While I was there, I struck up a conversation with a guy who was there alone, and after a while, he started talking about how much he hated Bill Clinton. I never got a clear answer as to why he would spend money to do something he knew he was gonna hate. You don't see a lot of skinheads in line to see Chris Rock. You never see Pat Robertson at an Indigo Girls concert. I mean, I at least had the good sense to sneak in to see Transformers.

My wish list requires footnotes

I have a friend who's really into The Secret. She's always telling me to visualize all of the things I want out of life and focus on them really hard. I'm too practical for such a mindset, because everything I want comes with a catch. It's like living my life with a big asterisk next to my head.

Dissidents rarely know how to properly use the clone tool

These "Hitler Obama" posters I see at all of the town hall protests are offensive enough, but even more so to me as a graphic designer, because it such a piss-poor Photoshop job. If you're gonna make your point visually, at least do it right.

We will attack them under the Arch

Having grown up in Arkansas and living in Oklahoma, I feel like a man without a country. People in both states who find out about my connection to the other and they talk reeeeaaaalllyyy sssslllloooowwwww. And if I ever encounter someone from Kansas, all bets are off!

I say, people from Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansas should band together as brothers... And invade Missouri. It'd be beneficial across the board! Missouri needs some fresh chlorine in the gene pool, People from Arkansas and Oklahoma can have cold six point beer, and people from Kansas will be excited to have hills.

Set a wake-up call for Colorado

Driving across Kansas has to be one of the most boring experiences ever. Not only is it the flattest surface in the earth, but the major highways rarely curve. Theoretically, you could set the cruise control, put The Club on your steering wheel and take a nap.

I also work wonders with Ramen

You know you've reached a special level of broke when you know more than five different ways to dress up Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

And Pizza Hut is seeing a surge in sales

According to news reports, one of the latest wildfires in California was sparked by an illegal marijuana growing operation. Evacuations are proving difficult because apparently, the residents living downwind aren't in that much of a rush to get out of there.

Happy birthday to you... too.

Today is my birthday! It's also my older brother's. Four years apart. A lot of people I tell about this for the first time like to ask me what that's like, and I tell them it's like having a twin, but with a slight generation gap... And not much in common but the fact that our parents liked to have sex in the middle of November.

Unless, of course, I'm at the Olive Garden

I took four years of Spanish in high school, and all that amounted to was an ability to order Huevos Rancheros without sounding like an idiot.

I just feel uncomfortable when she/he says, "Here's your change."

There's a clerk at this one shop I regularly go to that I'm pretty certain is a female-to-male transsexual that just had the reassignment surgery. I can't be certain of this, because there's no gentle way of saying, "Hey, didn't you have boobs three months ago?"

No need to call a doctor, get me that patchouli scented dreadlocked white guy behind the deli counter

I read an article about the CEO of Whole Foods writing an editorial blasting President Obama's health care plan, essentially saying that if people just bought food at his stores, they wouldn't need any health care. Wouldn't it be scary if he was right? Say you get hit by a car, and the one thing that'll stop the internal bleeding is pesticide free tofu.

This post will be no exception, I'm sure

Blogging has been a wonderful part of my life. It's halped me sort out my thought and feelings, put them in some sort of order, and most importantly demonstrate how much of a whiny little bitch I was to my future self.

Yes, I equated my life to a Will Smith movie. Shut up.

Just thinking of the series of bizarre events that have happened to me this year, I find myself soldiering along for no other reason than to find out how it all ends, even though I'm not really liking what has happened so far. I hope it's worth it, because I'd hate to spend eternity in the afterlife with the same feeling I had after watching Men In Black II.

He buys a new mattress every couple of months

A friend of mine regaled me with the story of his latest sexual conquest today. New girl every night for this guy. At this point I'm surprised his crabs haven't died of VD.

Take that H.G. Wells!

One thing that always bugs me about time travel stories is that they never address the fact that it always involves warping space as well. Every time traveler seems to arrive in the same location as they were when they engaged the time machine, completely ignoring the fact that the Earth, the galaxy, and the entire universe has shifted. They could suffocate in the vacuum of space, get hit with a comet or materialize in the center of a star, and all they're worried about are preventing assassinations, not stepping on butterflies or their parents never meeting! Crazy scientists can be so self-centered.

Surely explains Glen Beck's career!

I watched a TV report on Vitamin D deficiency, saying we all need to spend more time out in the sun because the lack of Vitamin D can lead to cancer. This report was immediately followed by a segment on the dangers of skin cancer and the need for everyone to avoid prolonged exposure to sunlight. Its nice to know that schizophrenics have such wonderful job opportunities in TV news.

Show us on the doll how the movie touched you.

With the release of the new G.I. Joe movie, I think it's too bad Hollywood can't be charged for raping my inner child.

Those bank statements really bring out the flavor

I went shopping for a new paper shredder, and I saved myself twenty bucks by buying a hibachi grill instead. It can destroy my documents and cook a steak at the same time!

Suddenly I'm annoyed by anything to my right.

Today, I got a headache on only one side of my head. So, do I take half an Aleve?

They mistakenly arrest a stroke victim intead

I lost my pepper spray for self defense, so I started carrying a bottle of Chloraseptic intead. Not nearly as incapacitating, but I could always tell the cops to look for the guy who looks like he just had Botox.

I got that going for me, which is nice.

I've come to the sudden realization that I live my life in equal amounts of uncontrollable laughter, maddening confusion and primal terror. But on the upside, at least there's balance.

They'd rather be loud than informed

I, for one, am not surprised at all by the town hall protests. Because Americans as a people love to argue, and I respect you if you don't agree with me, but you gotta concede that you just helped prove my point.

Getting my frozen treat and eat it, too

Some people like to choose someone or something to blame for the supposed downfall of society. You know who I blame? The makers of Klondike Bars. For decades, they've been asking people to do things counter to their moral code for chocolate covered ice cream. Wanna know what I do for a Klondike bar? I drop $1.79 and keep my dignity intact.

Show some smoke to match that fire in your belly

I'm tempted to join these town hall protests. I want to stand in the middle of all the protesters chanting along with them, getting louder and louder, getting everyone really worked up. Then, I'll pull a gas can out of my backpack (that's filled with water), and start pouring it over my head. Then, I pull out a Zippo and start flicking it. I just wanna see how many people try to stop me, but more importantly, how many people want to join me.