The power of paranoid thinking

I attribute the majority of the happiness in my life to my tendency to always think of the worst case scenario in any situation. That way, not matter what happens, I'm never truly disappointed. Even if things are bad, I can smile and say, "Hey, at least I wasn't stabbed."

Assistant to the Executive Vice President in Charge of Marketing... Oh, just die already.

After a number of years working in graphic design and typesetting business cards, I've found that the worthlessness of your job is directly proportional to the number of syllables in your job title.

Boo, mofo!

There comes a time in every one's life where you just want to die, if anything, just to be able to haunt the crap out of everyone. Did you ever see the movie Poltergeist? Yeah, I could be down for some of that action.

Follow up question: Seriously?

I've always wanted to sneak into a press conference somewhere just to mess with the speaker. I'd get called upon and I'd ask something completely off-topic, like, "Senator, I have a two part question: Would you like the rest of this cake, and if not, are you sure? It's good cake." Just the thought of an entire press corp staring at me blankly and the security guards not quite knowing what to do... It just makes me giggle.

Like Avis, I try harder

I'm the kind of guy that every woman wants to date... Right after they break up with someone. I'm the emotional equivalent of a rental car. I haul around all their baggage, and when they're ready to upgrade, they turn me back in. I should start charging a security deposit.

Great Scot!

One of my favorite films from my youth is Back to the Future. However, it's hard for me to watch that movie nowadays because I can't help but think about how much deep shit Doc Brown is in by the end of that movie. If you look at that story objectively, he's technically guilty of:

1. Trespassing on the Twin Pines/Lone Pine Mall
2. Vandalism (starting fires in the parking lot)
3. Animal cruelty
4. Operating an unlicensed vehicle (remember the license plate fell off the DeLorean)
5. Possible firearms charge (depending on whether that .357 magnum was registered)
6. Possession of an unstable element without a permit (Plutonium)
7. Speeding (88 MPH within the city limits)
8. Endangering the safety of a minor (poor Marty)
9. Treason/Conspiring with enemies of the State (in this case, the Libyans)

Not to mention that in California, when a death occurs during the commission of a felony, it's a instant charge of first-degree murder for each dead body. However, it's never clear if any of the Libyans actually died. They may have just been knocked unconscious by the crash into the photomat. In which case, his troubles are far from over (fatwa, anyone?)

Likewise, when you take the whole trilogy into account, he and Marty are in violation of several FAA regulations for flying two different unlicensed aircraft, obstruction of justice, breaking & entering, train robbery, abandoning a vehicle on the train tracks, countless acts of destruction of property, littering, assault... The list goes on!

One ring to bring them all, and at the reception, toast them.

When the Lord of the Rings Movies first came out, jewelers became swamped with requests for replicas of the One Ring to use as, get this, wedding rings! So, to symbolize their wedding vows, these couples want the embodiment of pure evil? Depending on your own point of view, that could seem really screwed up, or rather apt.

Lex Luthor just held up Hancock Fabrics

One thing that always bugged me about Superman: They say that Ma Kent made Superman's suit out of the blanket he was wrapped in when he came to this planet. The suit can deflect bullets, resist fire and cold...practically indestructible. But it's one weakness, apparently, was pinking shears.

So, where are the cyborgs?

According to the news, the troubles of the big three automakers is leading to real estate prices plummeting in Detroit. But instead of the place becoming a ghost town, as is usually the case, companies are snatching up all of the land that goes on the market, investing in a brighter future in Detroit.

Wait a minute, wasn't this part of the bad guys' fiendish plot from Robocop? Did the Associated press fall asleep with late night cable on again?

The path to discovery

Nobody quests anymore. Everybody is on a crusade over one thing or another, which in the old days meant that you kill anyone who stands in your way. Not to say there's no killing involved in a quest, but it's not clearly sanctioned. That's how it all breaks down:
Crusade = kill
Quest = killing optional
Journey = no killing
Excursion = no killing, not as much walking
Study = no killing, no walking

More like a sign of really crappy postal service

There was a news report recently about a postcard that was finally delivered after being lost for 47 years. The report said it was like "a Tweet from the past". No, it was a postcard. If it was a tweet from the past, it'd read something like "OMG, U LIKE IKE? BETTR DED THN RED! LVIS RULZ!" Do you have any idea how hard that is to send on a rotary phone?

Tulsa Time

On living in Tulsa, Oklahoma: This town is pretty well known across the country, but never well known for anything in particular. No musician has ever been described as having that "Tulsa sound". No artist is known for having a "real Tulsa sensibility". Tulsa is like your best friend's cousin. You've heard a lot about him, and you hung out with him that one time, but you dont really know anything about him.

Order yours today!

I was at an outdoor festival this afternoon, and I saw a big tent with a sign that read AMISH WOMEN. I got in line and ordered one, plain.

Cheap Date

Just how low is my alcohol tolerance? Well, if I were to play the Leaving Las Vegas home game, it'd cost me thirty bucks, tops.

Angry white people

One final thought about the Tea Parties: I heard of many people crying Fascism when the Secret Service told the crowd in D.C. to disperse. Note to these people: In a Fascist state, the Secret Service would've just opened fire into the crowd, not ask you nicely to disperse. And they let you guys come back after a robot opened the package one of your friends threw over the White House fence. Complaining that you had to go away for a couple hours is like bitching that your flight was delayed because you tried to carry on a broken clock held together with loose wires and modeling clay.

Special Tax Day Tea Party Edition

Three signs I saw protesters holding during the news coverage of the Tax Day Tea Parties:

1. TEA BAG OBAMA - You know, it's that kind of fantasizing that won Obama the gay vote.

2. NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION - I think we already fixed that problem, didn't we? A couple hundred years ago... It was kinda high on our to-do list.

3. A 4-year-old girl holding a sign that read REMEMBER WHAT JIMMY CARTER DID? - You do? Was there a special episode of Dora the Explorer I was not aware of?

So, rough day?

You don't have to be constantly fantasizing about the sweet release of death to work here, but it helps.

What next, Cholic?

After finally getting over my cold, I woke up this morning with my eyes hurting really bad. According to WebMD, I may have Pinkeye. But WebMD was really condescending about it, with all of the treatments being listed as if you're treating a five-year-old. But I did every thing they said to do, even washing all of my stuffed animals.

They should sell egg-shaped aspirin

Easter is the worst day of the year to have a hangover. You get absolutely no sympathy. "Man, I feel like I've been dead for three days... Oh, right. Sorry."

Please suck the power of the Lord from the wound.

If I were to ever choose a religion to follow, it'd have to be snake handling Pentecostal. You gotta respect any church that requires a regular shipment of anti-venom.

Joke Number 100!!!

Today is Good Friday, the most ironically named holiday in the history of mankind. The name's got a good hook to it: "Say, children, gather 'round and let me tell you the story of Good Friday..." I was intrigued by the title, but quickly horrified by all the blood, torture and ultimately, death. This is one of the reasons I don't go to church anymore. Today, all Good Friday means to me is three more days until the Easter candy goes on clearance!

Check, check, one, two...

This morning I got a bad case of the hiccups that, in combination with my head cold, caused my ears to pop, then fill back up, and so on and so forth. It was like the whole world had a short in its speaker cable.

Stay on target...

It never bothers me when people give away the ending of a movie, because my short attention span usually allows me to completely forget every detail when I sit down to watch the film. Every time I watch Star Wars, I still get anxious that Luke may not be able to blow up the Death Star.

Dressed for success?

It's days like this when I really wish I worked from home. This shit would be a lot easier to deal with if I wasn't wearing pants.

A bit of a thinker...

True story: In traffic the other day, I saw a totaled car on a flatbed tow truck with a vanity plate that read NVNCBL. Hmmm... I guess not!

I'll take that as a suggestion.

The label on my cold medicine says "Alcohol may intensify the effects of this drug". So, vodka and Theraflu it is! Or, as I like to call it, a Phlegmy Mary.

Aw, man!

Getting sick on a Saturday really sucks. This was my day off! I was wanting to spend the entire day laying on the couch, and now I have to.

Some people never learn

There was a homeless guy downtown the other day carrying a sign that said VIETNAM VET. The guy looked a little young to me, so I asked him how old he was. His response, 47... which would've made him about 13 when the war ended. So, I did what any respectable citizen would do: I reported his ass to the local VFW. They sent a bunch of 85-year-old WWII vets over there to beat the crap out of him.

I saw the guy again today, on the same corner, but a new sign: DISABLED VIETNAM VET.

Would you mind stopping that? Thanks.

Is there really any gentle way to tell someone they're being too passive-aggressive?

Human endeavor is so futile.