Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below:Here are mine for the week:

1. Did you drop a contact, or is this a glitch in the Matrix?

2. I have a sneaking suspicion that the tuna rolls were not dolphin safe.

3. This restaurant kinda gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "You got served!"

Oh, so many reasons

Perhaps I'm jinxing myself for Christmas, but at least I made it through Thanksgiving without a single family member asking me why I'm not married yet. I guess they all have accepted the idea that at my age if a man is still single, there's probably a good reason why.

Another joke I'll have to answer for someday

I was asked to lead everyone in saying grace before Thanksgiving dinner, because if anyone is qualified, it's someone who hasn't voluntarily entered a church in twenty years:

"OK, I guess we should all join hands... Or not. Alright, let's do this. Um, Lord, God, Yahweh, whatever you're going by these days, we just want to thank you for this bountiful feast before us today. However, most of this food is heavily processed which probably isn't your thing, but I suppose we can thank you for granting Reasor's Foods the wisdom to accept coupons.

Thank you for bringing all of us together on this day. And please forgive us for the judgmental behavior we are all sure to bear witness to. We know that technically, You are the only one allowed to pass judgment. We're just building up a defense strategy down here... Let's face it, it's not like you've got lawyers up there.

Based on the way Grandma is looking at me right now, I personally want to thank you for designing lightning in just such a way that prohibits it from striking through the roof of this two-story house. And please let the turkey put us all in enough of a catatonic state that my little speech here will be quickly forgotten. Rub a dub dub, ectos domine, habeas corpus, deux ex machina. Amen."

Explain that, Darwin!

Every year at Thanksgiving, animal rights organizations start their push for people to stop killing turkeys. Look, I love animals as much as anyone, but the fact remains that turkeys that are one of the only animals so stupid that they can drown in a rainstorm. Turkey farmers don't even chop their heads off any more. They just turn on the sprinklers. Hell, I'm surprised Creationists don't use them as an argument against Natural Selection.

OK, I'll have some dessert, but then I gotta do lift some weights.

This year, my family used a Cajun Injector on the turkey. For a split second, I thought they had invited up a porn star from New Orleans. But it's this giant syringe used to inject the marinade directly into the meat. Again, I didn't know this. All I knew was when I walked into the kitchen, it looked like my stepdad was giving the turkey steroids. "You know that only works when the turkey is still alive, right? That'll have more effect on us than it will the bird." Although that would be funny. Everyone at dinner and suddenly all their voices drop an octave. Everyone starts arm wrestling over who gets the last crescent roll. My sweet little grandmother turns to me and demands to know how much I can bench press.

More food jokes for Thanksgiving!

I was at a pot luck Thanksgiving dinner a couple years ago and someone brought this casserole that was made with elbow macaroni, shredded potatoes and rice, all baked on a bed of bread crumbs. That, my friends, was the complex carbohydrate hat trick! All that was missing was a layer of powdered sugar on top! Ordinarily, one cannot make a dish containing that much starch without it first becoming a low-grade explosive.

Enjoy the salmonella!

One of the most searched recipes on the web around Thanksgiving is for mashed potatoes. Look, if the person making your Thanksgiving dinner is too stupid to make mashed potatoes, why are you trusting them with turkey?

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Hecklers section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Some say the secret ingredient is love... and Angel Dust.

2. Sure, it's a bit crazy, but they're just psyching themselves up to shop at Best Buy at 4 a.m.

3. Yet another reason to regret my mother getting a Facebook account, a scanner and a need to remember the "good ol' days."

We could call it the Kenmore lobe

A recent estimate states that over 1,000 house fires and over 10,000 severe bodily burns every year are caused by incorrectly deep-frying a turkey. If evolution worked the way it should, within a generation or two, the human brain would be hard wired to instinctively use the damn oven!

A shitty night, in more than one way

I had a horrible experience with an irate heckler at the club last night. Even after he had left the club, he proceeded to repeatedly call the box office to complain about me, getting angrier and more threatening with each call. This was the first time I have left a comedy club fearing death. When I got home, I thought some TV would help me take my mind off things, but the first thing that came up when I turned on the TV was AMC showing Cape Fear. I turned it on just in time to hear Deniro screaming "COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE!!!"

So, I shit my pants and went to bed.

Dark turn in three, two, one...

At the beginning of the year, my mantra was "Failure is NOT and option!"

By April, my new mantra was, "OK, occasional failure is forgivable."

When August rolled around, that all changed to "At least you're trying."

As I roll into December, the new mantra is apparently, "The number for suicide prevention is on the fridge."

And they sting a lot.

Ive learned so much working the door at the comedy club. The key to dealing with customers is to simply be nice. I didn't need to be told that for the job. I learned that in the late eighties from a little film called Road House. Doesn't make it any less true, though. Not that you get the same kindness in return every time. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. But you know what else you catch with honey? Bees. Deadly, deadly, pissed off bees.

Yes, a poop joke.

Tonight, I thought I'd treat myself to a hot fudge sundae. What I had was a dessert so rich it may have retroactively given me lactose intolerance. Which brings me to my next point: Whomever designed the motion sensor toilet flushing system have overlooked a minor detail... The courtesy flush.

I'm not denying the fact that pineapples make bad housing.

I believe that instead of ranking board games by age, they should really do it by IQ. Particularly if it's a trivia game. Seriously, there's nothing more frustrating than getting in a heated argument over who lives in a pineapple under the sea.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. I'm making a ruling right now: Heath Ledger impersonations have officially jumped the shark.

2. Officer, anything you might be tempted to do is perfectly justifiable. Besides, who's gonna convince a mime to testify?

3. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, honk, squirt out of a flower, shape out of a balloon, etc. will be held against you...

I'd hate to see the trail... ANY trail.

I reached a special level of broke and lazy when I decided to pour the last remnants of bags of pretzels, potato chips, Doritos and animal crackers (with frosting) into a bowl and when a friend asked me what I was eating, I simply said, "trail mix."

There's always a bigger pain

I think I've figured out how I've managed to cope with all of the weird shit that has happened to me this year. You see, if you have a lot of stressful situations happen to you all at once, it can be overwhelming, and if they happen well spaced apart, you can get burned out. However, if it happens in quick succession like it happened to me, then each new crisis will distract you from the ones before it. Let me put it another way:

Have you ever gotten an itch in the middle of your back right where you can't reach it? Drives you nuts, doesn't it? Well, imagine you now notice that you are developing a hangnail. Your back still itches, but the hangnail is now taking priority. It hurts like hell the more you play with it, and it distracts you to the point that some sort of accident happens and BOOM! You break your arm! The pain is excruciating! But it's small potatoes compared to you suddenly getting your foot caught in a bear trap! And you now look down at your mangled leg, thinking, "I really need to do something about this... but for some reason my hair is now on fire!"

And so on, and so forth.

Need a mint?

Today I saw the worst advertisement possible for a restaurant: A woman outside in the bushes puking. I asked her if she was alright, but what I really wanted to ask was what menu item to avoid.

Who am I kidding? He can't get arrested these days.

When Steve Miller gets arrested, do you think his list of aliases include Space Cowboy, Gangster of Love, Maurice, The Joker, The Smoker and the Midnight Toker?

Not likely to pass

Today is Veteran's Day, and in honor of this day, I would like to propose legislation that would require all members of Congress, during any public appearance honoring the troops, to wear a sign listing their voting record on veteran's issues. What the hell... Let's make it interesting: send their security details home for the day as well.

Further adventures of owning a passive aggressive cat

When reaching for some change to do my laundry, I made the horrific discovery that my cat had pissed in my change dish. I guess it was just Chuckles' little way of telling me that I care more about money than I do about him.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the helcker's section below.


Here are mine for the week:

1. Every girl I've dated has described their ex-boyfriend to be just like this.

2. Wallace Shawn's Playgirl spread was the worst selling issue ever!

3. Look, just tell us where the truffles are and we'll let you go!

I't gotta be like drawing the aliens from the movie Cocoon

Tonight, I modeled for a life drawing class. Given my lily white skin and lack of muscular definition, I can't imagine there were a lot of students working on their shading skills.

Perhaps if she would've flashed some nipple

I read a news article about a university student in Brazil being expelled for wearing a short dress. Brazil claiming something being immoral? Seriously? If she plans a lawsuit, might I suggest her lawyers cite the landmark case of Carnivale v. NOBODY!

If you want your Big Mac to be clean, then be nice.

I think the FDA should loosen the rules for human tampering in fast food. Those that can't place their drive-thru order in twenty words or less should not be surprised if their food tastes like maliciously dispensed bodily fluids. The more words they use, the further south the origin of the contaminants.

It's the Discover Card of higher education

I applied at a community college today. Let me get this straight... Community college has an approval process?!? What, are they just checking that I'm human?

I hear the Blair Witch Project looks amazing

While browsing the DVD's at Best Buy yesterday, I couldn't help but chuckle when I saw a Blu-ray copy of Cloverfield. Because if there's any movie you want high definition picture quality, it's one that was filmed with hand-held camcorders.

Tough call

Taco Bueno has just introduced the Cheeseburger Taco, and I don't know whether to weep or hit the drive-thru.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Jose Cuervo paid big money for the distribution of this photo.

2. Why do I think of England when I look at this?

3. This is what every conservative Christian imagines when someone mentions gay marriage.

Wookin' pa nub in aw the wong paces

In talking with a friend about me not having a girlfriend, one thing that I came to realize is that I really haven't narrowed down exactly what I'm looking for in a woman. Upon much thought on the matter, I've come down to three requirements:

1. She must have confidence in herself, and not feel like she has to talk shit about others to do so.

2. She doesn't have to like the same things as me, but she must at least understand why I like them. A good example of a deal breaker for me is to have to again answer the question, "What's so great about Star Wars?"

3. She must not possess the kind of personality that gives my best friends lockjaw. You know, like when I ask them what they think of her, they don't say "She seems nice!" through clinched teeth.