2009 squeaks by with a D+

As this year draws to a close, I can say with all certainty that 2009 was one of the worst years of my life, despite a sharp upturn for the better at the very end. I'm sorry, Universe, but you can't just skip out all year then ace the final and expect everything to be forgotten! It didn't work out for me in my eighth grade Civics class, so don't think I'm gonna let you slide, either!

The joys of cat ownership.

This morning I woke up to the sound of water hitting water. I got up, followed the sound and found my cat perched on the edge of the toilet, pee peeing in the potty like a big boy. I didn't even have to train him to do that, and needless to say, I was a proud poppa. That is, until I saw that he took a big ol' dump on my suede jacket i had left on the floor last night. Oh, well... Two steps forward, one step back.

Missed the mark a bit. If only I had better glasses.

I went and got a new pair of glasses today. Thick rimmed black frames, Elvis Costello style. After wearing them for a while, I think they must've thought I said, "I need glasses that make me look like an art professor that sleeps with his students and listens to a lot of Frank Zappa."

Audience Participation Caption Contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. And the Lord replied, "When you saw only one set of crab walk prints in the sand, that is when I carried you."

2. Bob always freaked the fuck out whenever he dropped a contact.

3. Don't look at him, Stacy. You'll only encourage him.

Any excuse to revert back to childhood

Lately, my cat has developed a weird phobia of the floor. He can't stand to be on the floor for more than two seconds before jumping up on the furniture. If I put him down on the floor, he immediately jumps back up into my arms. I know I should be somewhat concerned about this development, but what I really want to do is jump up on the furniture for an old school game of THE FLOOR IS LAVA!

All I want for Christmas is Schadenfreude

The best part about a winter snowstorm is the sight of all of the SUVs stuck in the ditch while I'm driving by with four bald tires in a car made of 90% duct tape.

Tis the reason for the season, after all

Last night as the snow moved in, there was a report on the news that holiday travelers all over the midwest were forced to stay at the airport overnight because local hotels were filled. Hmmm... Weary travelers with no room at the inn. This seems eerily familiar.

Fingers crossed

Looks like my year of WHAT THE HELL?!? isn't over just yet. Last night: Fender bender. I have a sneaking suspicion that on New Year's Eve, some guy will surprise me with a huge check and a camera crew, and inform me that this year has all been part of some freaky reality series. Yeah, the guy who stabbed me will pull off his mask to real it was really Zac Effron, my old boss will ask me to report to work on Monday, and I'll have to tell him I need a week in Hawaii to recharge first.

I'm dreaming of sweet retribution for Christmas

This is the time of year where we should really think of the more fortunate... and how we can bring them down to our level.

You mean insanity is a turn-off?

I learned too late in life that laughing maniacally doesn't fit into that "sense of humor" the ladies are always saying they're looking for.

Audience Participation Caption Contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Ah, Mr. Goofy. You have a nasty habit of surviving.

2. When all legal means have failed, Disney's lawyers call in "The Fixer."

3. They told me there was no film in that camera!

Life, directed by Michael Bay

I think things are finally looking up for me... Much in the same way we all look up when it's raining flaming debris.

Violators will suffer my wrath.

I'm making a ruling right now. Before 9 a.m. on any weekend, I am not to be disturbed. That time is reserved for me saving the redhead from Mad Men from evil wizards with nunchucks.

Last Twilight joke of 2009, I swear

I see they have Twilight action figures, which is the only time those characters will have any dimension.

They should be more specific

They keep saying that we need creative solutions to fix the economy... Yet I set up one bum fight and suddenly I'm a social pariah.

Computer geek joke alert!

A while ago, I was watching a NASCAR race, and I was laughing at the car sponsored by Microsoft. Well, not the car per se, but the idea that Windows may have become so troublesome that the driver and his pit crew are actually wearing software patches.

She makes me want to renounce Carbon

I've come to a realization about Ann Coulter: Forget political ideology, forget my theory that she is the spawn of Skeletor and Secretariat, forget my bitter jealousy over the size of her Adam's apple... Whenever she speaks, no matter the subject matter, she manages to offend me on a molecular level.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's Section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Later that night, when the duck was inside the fortress walls, the most adorable invasion ever began.

2. It was their last hope to defeat the 50 foot Ernie before all of Sesame Street was lost.

3. This is what happens when you put Marshmallow Peeps in the microwave.

God Bless America, foo!

I think we should make the theme from The A-Team the new national anthem. People would be much more willing to do more for their country if they had kick-ass background music like that.

Now to find a way to put this on my resumé

Being unemployed has more than prepared me for working in advertising, because now I can put a positive spin on everything in my life. I don't tell people that I'm too broke to buy new razors, I just say I'm growing a beard. That mess in my kitchen? That's my penicillin research. Sure, these are the same clothes I wore yesterday, but I'm saving water, and that's good for the environment!

It's about time that naughty list got some finer print.

There's no greater proof of our society being a bunch of spoiled rotten pricks than all of the Christmas commercials on TV. Almost every retailer has at least one ad depicting Santa asking a clerk for help finding the best price on high-end products. Forgiving the fact that every clerk in these ads is completely buying into the idea that a mythical being is at their store, but they never question why a man who possesses the power to visit every house in the world in ONE NIGHT needs to find the best price on a 60" HDTV.

They do the same thing when I get in a fight...weird.

Winter: that time of year that I really regret my wardrobe consisting mainly of loose, breathable cotton. I take one step outside, and my balls go, "I don't know about you, but I'm going back inside!" Then, they retract like a scared turtle.

Kinda like a member of the glee club drinking Mad Dog

I was at the mall the other day, and I couldn't stop laughing at the sight of this one Emo kid eating a Happy Meal. Da-da-da-da-daaaaa... I'm loving the irony!

Read the sign, dipshit!

I think it's funny when people come to the comedy club, walk in and ask "So, having a comedy show tonight?" No, we're doing tragedy tonight. We're having a slide show on the Holocaust, a fund raiser for abused animals, and a poetry recital: Haikus from the Homeless.

All out of Boone's Farm.
The pigeons talk about me.
One day they'll all pay.

Audience participation caption contest

Post your captions in the Heckler's section below.Here are mine for the week:

1. Hell, it ain't any dumber looking than a Bluetooth.

2. "Doc says I have to wear this so I don't chew on my stitches."

3. Every time I go to the movies, some jackass like this always sits in front of me.

At least that pothole I hit tried its best

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Timeless proverb, or the motto of the Oklahoma Department of Transportation? You be the judge.

The heels aren't helping, either

The biggest problem for an artist in this economy is we're all reaching that point where we must go against our creative ideals and wind up whoring ourselves out to whomever will pay us. Plus, December is one miserable month to be standing on that street corner.

I'm lying back down. Its just safer that way.

I've been limping around the past couple of days after hurting my heel on the coffee table. Leave it to me to injure myself getting off the damn couch.

Other qualifications: Breakout and Pole Position

I recently applied for a job running a teleprompter. Essentially, the job requires carefully and precisely turning a knob. They asked me what makes me qualified, and I gave a one word answer: Pong.

Stupid people and technology... bad mix

Why is it every time I have to wait in line somewhere for something simple like swapping out a DVR remote, I always get stuck in line behind someone who has lived in a cave for the past twenty years, and their first act in joining society is getting a digital cable package? This lady ahead of me actually said to the customer service rep, "I get all of these channels? I'm not gonna be able to watch all of these!" Like it's mandatory!

When they told her someone will need to be at her house between 10 and 2 tomorrow, she asked, "Someone besides me?"

She also signed up for the internet package, which I suspect will lead to the discovery that her laptop is, in fact, an Etch-a-sketch.

When you get to the bottom you go back to the top...

It seems that there are way too many people nowadays doing outrageous and sometimes felonious things for no other reason than to get famous. The Octomom, Balloon Boy's parents, the White House party crashers, etc. Look, I understand the need for attention. I am a stand-up comic, after all. But in seeing some of the news stories over the past year, it makes me pine for the good ol' days of Charles Manson. Now, that was a guy who could sell crazy!