Every breath you take

Love means never having to explain why your fingerprints are on the outside of her bedroom window.

Ew.

I used to wonder why they always use blue fluid to demonstrate absorbency in diaper and maxi-pad commercials. But then I thought, what other color could they use that wouldn't be really, really gross?

It was that, or Space Invaders

When I was a teenager I had a job corralling shopping carts at the grocery store. I was fired after five days for staging a large, live-action Tetris game in the parking lot.

The safety word is "Cluck"

In regards to internet porn... Did these kinds of fetishes exist before the advent of streaming video, or is everyone just trying to one-up each other on the shock value? I remember when a feather boa and dripping candle wax was considered kinky, but now you gotta use the whole chicken and a dozen road flares.

Death to Sanjaya

The best way to boost ratings on American Idol would be to kill everyone who gets voted off. I think it would really raise the quality of the show, because if your life was on the line you would sing your ass off.

Mankind never loses suction

In the past decade or so, mankind has improved the vacuum cleaner by leaps and bounds, but world peace still eludes us. Good to know I'm not the only one whose priorities are screwed up.

Fortunate for me, she likes extra cheese

This one guy behind the counter at Subway keeps hitting on my girlfriend. He keeps asking her if she wants to upgrade her six-inch for a foot-long. That may sound like I'm overreacting, but I stand by my suspicions because she always orders a salad.

Hell of a drug

Freud came up with Psychology while on cocaine. The Beatles were stoned out of their minds when they recorded Sgt. Peppers. Francis Crick discovered the structure of DNA on an acid trip. I think the only reason people are so against crystal meth is because none of its users have done anything noteworthy.

Guess the impulse item

I think the reason I'm broke all the time is because I like to buy a lot of unnecessary items every time I'm at the store, just so the clerk will think I'm insane. It's all in how you pair things up. Bottle of Jack Daniels and a home pregnancy test. Box of rat poison and a mylar balloon that says Thinking of You. Or the one I tried the other day: box of Kleenex, bottle of lotion and a Dora the Explorer DVD. That one was fun. They nearly called the cops on my ass.

Tora Tora Tora!

I firmly believe that Japanese Anime is just a passive-aggressive attempt to get back at us for Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Enjoying the seizures, white man?

Kumbaya, Steve Jobs

My greatest wish for mankind would be for all of us to be free of the desire for material possessions. However, my second wish would be for an iPod. My birthday is August 17. Just sayin'...

Change my liver can believe in.

I'm so proud to be an American. I always have been, only now that Bush is out of office I can do it without the aid of tequila.

Don't let the secret service hit you in the ass on the way out!

As George W. Bush leaves office tomorrow, I can't think of any joke more fitting than the last eight years of that walking punch line. Goodbye, you unbelievable dipshit!

Not many jokes involve renal failure

Imagine a white supremacist getting a liver transplant from a black donor. Think about how angry he would be if he found out. The irony is, he'd claim his blood was now tainted, but in reality his blood would be the cleanest it's been in years.

Merry Christmas, you silly stupid old fool!

I want to remake It's A Wonderful Life, only do it from Old Man Potter's point of view. Two hours of counting money and insulting the idealists.

Start with the man in the mirror

A support group you'll never see: Narcissists Anonymous. Every time someone gets up to speak, it's all "ME, ME, ME!!!"
Actually, they already have groups like this. They're called night clubs. Unfortunately, we're no closer to a cure.

Et tu, Brute (R-KY)?

I believe our government should take a cue from the Roman Empire. C-SPAN would be much more fun to watch if everyone wore togas and there was a heightened chance of stabbings.

I can has Guru?

I've learned some very important life lessons from my cat: self-reliance, getting plenty of sleep, and peeing on everything I consider to be mine.

Red, blue, what's the difference?

You know what would be the hardest activity for the color blind? Joining a street gang.

Credit where credit is due

I have the greatest protection against identity theft: Horrible credit. Those hackers would actually be doing my ass a favor.

Shu-Shu-Shhud-e-yo

I once read that Karaoke is a good form of speech therapy for people who speak with a lisp. I'd pay good money to see that, particularly if they sang 'Sussudio".

No one wants to ride with me anymore

Every road trip I take begins with the purchase of raisins, beef jerky and a bottle of Gatorade. I guess if I'm gonna spend hours in a car, I might as well test the effects of electrolytes on dried food products. The irony comes later when my car needs gas and my body has too much.

What seems to pee the broblem, occifer?

One way you could possibly avoid receiving a field sobriety test is to stick googly eyes on your driver's license photo. I never said it was a perfect plan, but then again, what is when you're that drunk?

Hail to the King

In honor of Elvis' birthday, I'll be spending the entire day on the toilet, hopped up on fistfuls of Demerol.

Somewhere, Darwin is smiling.

Here's a modern example of Natural Selection: Axe Body Spray makes the douchebags who wear it more flammable.

The Noble Sea Cow

I'd be be much more inclined to save the manatees if they weren't so damned ugly. And slow. And stupid. And so much run to ramp off of with a jet ski.

You never forget your first

Susie Northcutt. She showed me hers, I showed her mine, she punched me in the stomach and ran away. Sure, that was in the second grade, but she started a lifelong trend in my life.

Achtung, Baby

Say what you will about Hitler, but he was a real asshole.

Slow Reader

I'm an embarrassingly slow reader. For instance, the book I just finished was The Y2K Procrastinator's Guide.

Chinese Food

Every time my friend and I go out to eat, he always wants Chinese food. I know he does this just so he can make the same joke every time about how you never see stray cats near Chinese restaurants. Then, he'd make meowing noises every time I'd take a bite. For years he's been doing this, and the other day I had enough. I waited until his mouth was full of food and I said, "You know what else you don't see near Chinese restaurants? Missing child posters."

He won't be getting that out of his head anytime soon. Now whenever he hears about an Amber Alert, he's gonna think Szechuan!

Resolutions

New Year's resolutions are too cliché. I say we give some of the other holidays a chance, like Arbor Day. That works out well for me because I really want to stop compulsively lighting forest fires.