Damn, you need this more than I do

You know you've got problems when you share your story with a homeless guy and he gives you change.

I made myself feel unproductive

This morning I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror. It quickly escalated to a performance review, and the results were less than satisfactory.

Pace yourself!

I recently saw a 3-D movie with a friend of mine. Once the movie started, she was all "Oh, WOW! This is amazing! Did you see that?" The lasted about five minutes before I spoke up, "You live in the third dimension, calm down!"

The job search continues

I'm having to play catch-up here. I had a lot of life shit distract me from writing new jokes. Having to find a new job, having to pay my bills, etc. But most of all trying to figure out what my next step is in life. I've been making a list of everything I'm good at and seeing if I could possibly make a career out of it. Unfortunately, no one is looking for a Muppet historian or a Super Mario technician.

The moderate never gets any credence

Everybody talks about the lesser of two evils, but in my experience, evil tends to come in threes. In which case, I always choose the moderate of all evils. Sure, there was a safer choice, but there's always a chance they could work out. Even if it doesn't, it least I didn't go with the really big mistake!

Looks like I need a remedy.

This weekend, I saw the Black Crowes in concert, but had to leave early. I had forgotten that the opening riff of any Black Crowes song is like announcing, "OK, light up, hippies!"

Ordinarily, I'd be all over that stuff, but if I need to take a drug test soon, I didn't want my defense to be, "Do you guys like music?"

I don't think I can merge right now, Dave.

A new Mercedes can wake you up if you start to nod off, correct you if you wander into another lane and slam the brakes for you if an accident is eminent. When that day arrives that these luxury vehicles become self aware and start killing their drivers, I will be truly glad I chose a mid-range domestic car.

How cliché!

It really disturbs me that they use animated bears to advertise toilet paper. What next? Using skinned cats to sell knife sets?

Not sure if I'm cool just yet. Fingers crossed.

Cool means being able to run into the same cute girl three days in a row without seeming like you're stalking her.

Hardcore has a price, people.

Much in the same way transexuals are required to live their lives as the opposite sex for a year before the actual surgery, I propose the same rules should apply to tattoos. If some douchebag wants barbed wire around his bicep, tie some real barbed wire around it for a while. Want that Chinese lettering on your lower back? Get your passport ready. Want a mermaid on your thigh? Better learn to breathe underwater.

Imagine the arguments then!

Wouldn't it be weird if the rapture happened and everyone left behind was a conspiracy theorist?

They all say I should act now before it's too late.

I cleaned out my spam folder today. I would have missed a lot of important messages, if I were a poorly invested, impotent, porn addicted, Nigerian ex-national.

This one's a visual joke

I found this banner ad on a web site today. Here's a good marketing tip for you: When you need someone to model the effectiveness of your new teeth whitening formula, don't hire a former meth addict. Or the British.

Her name is Flo. I freeze framed and zoomed in on her name tag.

Forget money, forget security, forget everything that comes with having a job... I just need a job to stop watching so much TV. I may have reached a crisis level when I realized I was falling in love with the woman from the Progressive Insurance commercials.

Kinda like the Stalin Museum having a gift shop.

For someone as pro-Capitalism/anti-Communist as Ayn Rand was, isn't it a little ironic for the Ayn Rand Institute to be a non-profit organization?

Next, I'll wash my car to make it rain

Back on April 30, I made a joke about always thinking about the worst-case scenario, wherein I made the comment "Well, at least I wasn't stabbed." That joke turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, as last night I was, indeed, stabbed. Long story, read about it here.

So now, I'm writing a joke that a large breasted woman will hand me a Publisher's Clearing House check.

I'm number three!

The results are in for the Absolute Best of Tulsa Awards. I am now the third best comedian in the city of Tulsa. I have to step up my game. Next year, I hope to go home from that awards ceremony with more than a shot glass and a pocket full of bacon wrapped chicken.

And a gallon of Fabreze, too.

I like to think that my love for my friends is unconditional. However, the nobility of letting a drunk friend crash at your place wavers a bit the next day when you're asking a store employee which stain remover works best on vomit.

What's the worst that could happen?

Here it is, a week and a half after July 4th, and I still have neighbors shooting off fireworks. Last night, they used their gas meter as a launchpad. Sadly, nothing happened... Natural selection fails us once again.

Sorry about that, Mukluk

I absolutely hate racism. Not just because of the sheer stupidity, but also because as a comedian it's a tough subject to approach. Most racist jokes are interchangeable... Just insert-ethnic-slur-here kind of stuff. Whenever a good one comes along, I use something really obscure, like Eskimos. But just my luck, when the joke is finished, there's some guy in a sealskin parka standing behind me with a harpoon.

Yeah, I remember my first beer...

I experienced my strangest heckler to date. I started out my set with "Good evening, Tulsa!", and a guy in the back yells out, "DALLAS!"

100,000 words in the English language, and this guy chooses one that isn't even legal in Scrabble.

And for my closer, I'm gonna shake my keys for three minutes straight

Last night I experienced my worst crowd since I started doing stand up. It was like performing for a special needs daycare right after nap time.

What are they paving the roads with here, oatmeal?

I have a theory that the Oklahoma Department of Transportation is receiving bribes from every mechanic that does suspension work. It's the only explanation for the roads being this shitty.

I seem to be made to eat junk food, it's my lot in life.

For Halloween this year, I want to make a C-3PO costume for my physique. Imagine that, a protocol droid with a beer gut.

No one gets far in life playing songs exactly as they're told to.

I have a lot of friends who keep trying to get me to play Guitar Hero. I tell them that I have a real guitar that hasn't been touched in two years. Artistically speaking, I've accomplished more with that than I ever would playing the video game.

Too bad he gave up the Tonight Show

With all of political scandals, Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin coverage... Is it just me, or have we been living in Jay Leno's wet dream for the past couple of weeks?

Made in less time, with cheaper labor, yet costs twice as much.

I have to give my friend hell for liking Sapporo, because if there's anything the Japanese know well, it's making beer. On the other hand, it is the only beer with Bluetooth.

Place your bets!

Sarah Palin has announced her resignation as Governor of Alaska. Anyone else notice she did this on Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend, and the Daily Show is off all next week? She didn't give a significant reason for her decision, which leads me to believe that next week something big is gonna go down. That is why I'm opening a betting pool. Is there a secret meth lab in the Governor's mansion? Has Todd Palin been hunting Eskimoes? Could Trig somehow be pregnant?

A Smartass Guide to Tulsa Architecture #5

Today's focus: The BOK Center (also known as "Turn on Denver, you can't miss it.")

Featuring seating for 19,199 (because 19,200 would be a little too indulgent), the BOK Center opened on August 30th, 2008 with performances from Garth Brooks and Hanson. They're local acts that made it big at one time, folks. It's not like we blew all the money on construction and then decided to hire the same acts as the State Fair. Ahem...

Tulsa commissioned famed architect Cesar Pelli to design the arena. He incorporated elements of design themes indicative of Tulsa, drawing on Art Deco, Native American and contemporary styles... Mostly on the inside. The outside, on the other hand, looks like a cinnamon roll made out of duct tape. Which is fitting, given Tulsans' affinity for both baked goods and MacGuyver-like repair projects.

It's blight on downtown's skyline and often frustrating lack of parking aside, the benefit of the arena has outweighed it's flaws. From a business perspective, it has opened the door for more new businesses downtown, including new restaurants, bars and much more creative stories from bums asking you for spare change. It has also helped out many Tulsans in finally figuring out just where the hell those arena football games take place.

Also, it has raised the level of pride in the city. Finally, we can boast that Springsteen, U2, the Eagles, and other big name acts have been in Tulsa without the story involving their tour busses breaking down.

I could've killed it with a pebble

I had a soft shell crab sandwich for dinner tonight. It was good, but I felt kinda guilty for eating an animal with such a horrible defense mechanism.

When it does, shit's gonna get done.

I'm not lazy, I'm just waiting on my clone army to fully mature.